Year in Review: 2007

I finished putting together my son's xmas gift, a wooden train set/table combination that will probably take up half his bedroom. I think he'll enjoy it for at least 2 weeks before he moves on to his next childhood obsession. It's been about six months since I last wrote a blog entry.

We made plans this Xmas weekend to visit friends and family, but, as always, life had other plans for us. Two buddies of mine were meeting for our annual Christmas brunch this morning, and I had to bow out of it. Wanted to be there. Desperately wanted to be there. Those two were my lifeline for several years, particularly when my work environment became a tad too political and stressful. We loved riffing off each other and saying whatever offensive thing came to our minds. I will always love them for that . But we had 2 other friends, one recovering from surgery, the other with a new baby, that we also wanted to see. If it was just up to me, I would have found a way to make it work, but it never is.

As it turned out, we ended up not seeing anybody, which is actually a good thing, because my boy spiked an afternoon fever of 101. So now, our family Xmas plans are contingent on how well he feels. Last Xmas, he busted his lip on the neighborhood park jungle gym right before Christmas Eve dinner. The funny thing about his fevers is that he never acts sick. He jumps and climbs just as much when he is well. The only indication of his health is the heat he generates. My wife and I danced this song before, so we're not too worried. However, it never fails that the in-laws scream that we take him out too much, but they're virtual shut-ins who wouldn't know a normal human interaction if it came and spat them in the face, so I can't take them seriously. But they do annoy the heck out of me with that talk. Next time we take him out, I'll bring a video camera to show the in-laws that my son is not the only child who foolishly dares to step outside in this world. I'll play them the tape and spout color commentary.

"See there's a kid. Look, there's another one. She's not even wearing a jacket. See all these kids? Let's count them: one, two, ten, fifteen. Fifteen children! Now are any of them is going to be possessed by demons, just becuz they happen to be outside playing in a neighborhood park? Maybe in Vietnam, but things run a little differently here in America."

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Just watched "It's a Wonderful Life" again on TV. God, I love that movie, but a recent Vanity Fair article illuminated a different spin on this story. So this George guy is always on the verge of following his dreams of travel and adventure, but family, finances, friends and love always seem to rein him back into his stressful, hum-drum small town lifestyle. Now this caring for his fellow man has finally brought him to the brink of financial ruin and probable imprisonment. He starts to fray around the edges and finally cracks, lashing at all the things he percieves to be holding him back. He wishes he was never born and is granted that wish by an angel. Turns out that his life is a wreck, so it can make everyone else's a little bit better. All the dumb crap he had to suffer through actually did make a difference. His life prevented loved ones' miserable predicaments like death, sadness, depression, etc. The man is so stunned by this revelation, that he begs and pleads to have his old life back.

What a chump. He almost got off scott free!!! He was never born, so what did it matter whatever happened to all those other people? He didn't even exist, so there's no blame that can be placed his way. Being a 'nonexistent' person meant that he could now do the traveling and adventuring he could only dream about in his previous life.

BUT NOOOOOOOOOO!!!! He had to weep and puss out. Through some extraordinary circumstance, he made it out of Shawshank and he begged the warden to be placed back in. Damn, I love Hollywood.

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I've been listening to the "Sweeney Todd" and "Company" revival cast albums recently. I've never heard more technologically crisp recordings. Older cast albums sound muddy and echoey compared to these two recent cds. Where I appreciate this the most is in the singing. Singing on the older albums seem more like yelling to me. The advanced technology allows the singers a greater range of volume and complexity. Silences are more precious. Loud passages are that much more emotional and gut-wrenching. Don't know if the singers themselves are better than their predecessors, but I do appreciate the fact I can hear them clearly and distinctly ennunciate Sondheim's lyrics.

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Haven't done art at all. Don't have the headspace in my life right now. If I work on something, I want to be sequestered away at least for a good two hours. Now, the only time I get 5 minutes to myself is during early morning, when my family is asleep. Having to stop every 5 minutes when I'm just working up the creative juices proved to be frustrating, so it's just better to not even start at this point. It sucks, because it is the only thing I feel I'm really good at. It sucks, because I think I still haven't reached my potential. Everything I do now (work, family, etc.) is an ill-equipped struggle to barely skate by. Art was something that gave me power; that gave me a rush. Now I have to bide time.

Year in Review: 2006

Hello Everyone,

I know it might seem a little early for a year in review blog, but there's only about 5 or so weeks left in 2006. Unless something really amazing happens in that short span, I pretty much have a good handle on an assessment of this year.

2006 sucked. Sucked huge donkey balls. Huge pus-filled boil-covered donkey testes.

I don't want to go for a pity or a "whoa is me, look at my horrible life" angle. I don't want to glamorize this year as some epic struggle. However, I do feel very justified in saying that I've had better years. Empirically, how can I even pretend that it was wonderful and great? "Boy, I can't wait to do that again!" It sucked. No question. I thought 1995 sucked royally. Hoo boy, not compared to 2006. Wow.

I will say that the suckiness has one common thread (and a somewhat fortunate one I guess) : I wasn't affected by it firsthand, but it definitely happened to those close around me.

Let's get the obvious stomach blow out of the way: my sister dying. Here's something of a disclaimer: I wrote two long paragraphs in this blog about the affect her death had on me personally, but I went ahead and deleted them. Why? I'm having trouble finding the right words to articulate this grief. Life has gone on in blazing speed around me and I haven't had a chance to catch a breath. The public mourning has come and gone. That I had a better handle with. That I could view as a job that needed to be done, and I approached it with a level of comfortable detachment. Now, I'm left with my own thoughts and they aren't pretty and light, that's for sure. Outwardly, I'm chugging along, but inwardly i'm barely treading water. I can't describe it any better than that and not seem maudlin, sentimental, self-serving . . . it's just that things have changed . . . i can't clearly communicate how though . . . maybe it's too soon to say anything.

My wife's cousin died of stomach cancer earlier this year, leaving behind 4 children, one of them only several months old. She was a baby making machine and surprisingly, it was the babies that have kept her alive that long. Once the kids were born though, the cancer had room to take over. She wasn't my favorite person . . . well actually it's her husband that I had the HUGE problem with, but as a couple, they were a fundamentalist, born-again Catholic couple who steadfastly devoted their lives to the Church and were aghast that I was a lapsed Catholic. They tried to convert me back to the old ways, and were appalled when I declined their offer. So much so, her husband and I argued over the color of smoke that's released before and after a new pope is chosen. That was a new low in pettiness from a man who wallows in such trivial quagmire.

On top of that: my mother, brother and mother-in-law all had extensive, multiple-day emergency room/hospital stays for various ailments. Wifey also has somewhat debilitating back trouble, prompting me to broker a semi-unofficial part-time work from home arrangement with my employer. I get to stay at home and play a larger role in baby’s care. Wifey gets the time and space she needs to get better. I worry about her constantly.

My goddaughter has already hit double digits in age. I worry about her education and the fear we're not doing enough to help her. I've started talking "old man" to her, trying to prepare her for life as a teenager and an adult without seeming too paranoid or pessimistic. My son is growing up. The boy is just too damn cute for words. He’s already hoarding his fruit the way I treasure my bacon and steak. It’s very heartwarming to see how some traits get passed down in surprisingly different ways. “The son becomes the father, and the father becomes the son” type of thing. And that was your obligatory Superman reference. Things remain the same, but different. Beyond that, life is relatively stable: I have a wonderful family, a nice home, a comfortable lifestyle we can afford. My life is something I dreamed of having, but never thought I would be lucky enough to actually get.

So perhaps it wasn't a good or a bad year. Maybe it's just life.

life update

well my son's first birthday was this weekend. we celebrated with a small celebration . . well for us it was small . . . about 20 or so people. It's funny, I've always considered myself relatively anti-social, but we keep throwing these shindigs. i can hear y'all saying "WAAAHHH!!! I'm a big baby cuz my life is so sad cuz we throw relatively big parties and I'm anti-social. WAAAHHH!!!!"

Okay, okay . . . point taken. The one thing I've learned about throwing these things is that good food is definitely 3/4ths of the battle. AND the second thing I've learned is always have more than you need . . . nothing ruins a good party more than running out of food.

It was nice to have lotus, shogun, canine, whitey ford and the child there. I don't get to hang with them all that much these days, so I learn to savor the moments i do get. although ronin and hotfudge gave their condolences, their generous present was much appreciated. they do have good taste in gifts, that pair sure do.

Now's the part of the blog entry where longtime parents will go "no s##t sherlock." I can't believe it's been a year with my son. The boy has grown and changed so much, I find myself holding him tighter now than I ever did, because I know this going to end some day. The best feeling in the world right now is to have him walk to me, hold up his arms for me to carry him, and hear that sigh of contentment coming out of his mouth as he places his head on my shoulder. Look at me, I'm getting all "Dick Vermeil" on this blog . . . (for non-American Football fans, Dick Vermeil is a VERY successful coach who is notorious for spontaneous crying at press conferences and interviews . . . that explanation took a long time . . . was it even worth mentioning it?)

But I know it's gonna end one day. He'll grow up and be too hairy for me to hold him. the stuble on his beard will scratch up my shoulder something fierce. I've known on an intellectual level the fleetingness of my son's "babydom" but I really am starting to emotionally internalize this. It will be different not too far in the future.

Something happened yesterday that underscored this more than ever . . . my wife's cousin passed away, a victim of stomach cancer. She was a mother of four, with the youngest being several months younger than my son. i can't say i was close to her . . . hell, the week and a half i spent with her and her husband was horrendous for both sides. (more on that in a eulogy blog coming up after this one). but she and my wife grew up together. she was family. she was a little younger than us. it's a little strange and very tragic . . . the family deaths, until now, were people in their golden years. logistically, estate and emotional matters were simpler to handle. now there's a husband, kids, mortgages, expenses, future plans . . . what's going to happen to them? Not to belabor the point, but I didn't get along with the husband, so screw him and his closeminded ass, but what about his kids?

this question ties into a concern wifey and i have had for awhile. if we both should die, who gets the baby? this tied into our search for a godparent. idealistically, we would want a godparnet to be what we are to our goddaughter . . . literally a second set of parents, as involved and invested as we can be in this girl's life. we haven't found that person for the baby; someone who could fill his material and emotional needs. we named his aunt 'godmother' by default. not to say she doesn't love the baby, but she's definitely not involved in his life the way we are with our goddaughter. she's acts more like an aunt, which she is, but we wanted more from her and so far, she hasn't been willing to give it.

i don't know. maybe this person will fall unto our laps one day. it was that way with our goddaughter. no one asked us outright . . . we just stumbled into it. before you know it, we fell in love with this girl. maybe it'll happen for baby one day. maybe.

well, enough of that. next up: a return to the angry clark. i swear.

f##kers.

Year 2005 End Wrap Up

I'm currently taking a ten minute break from endless lead entering for a particularly successful online promotion. Now is the perfect time for a random blog entry.

Seems a great majority of the current blog conversation revolves around ameditation concerning the pros & cons, the flows & ebbs of the previous year. Since I've always considered myself crafty enough to surf a wave coming my way, and not drown in it, I'll bite and drop in my own personal assessment.

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Okay, just got back from dealing with a minor work emergency. Now seems to be the perfect time for a random blog entry.

Okay. Personal assessment time.

BIG CHANGES this year. No real surprise to any of the blog regulars, I suppose. The cliches that accompany the arrival of a new baby are true; that's why they're labeled "cliches." However, here's one VERY unexpected consequence . . . my art is much less "angry" now. There's less of the angst and disturbance that marked my earlier output. I wouldn't call it necessarily more peaceful. There's definitely still a semblance of the dark and ambivalent undercurrent that permeates my work. I wouldn't even say that my general anger towards everything has lessened. But the quality that some would label as "disturbing" or "confrontational" has definitely toned down.

Part of it certainly stems from the fact that a baby drains most of the anger out of you. It takes an incredible amount of energy to sustain a strong "mad-on" towards a particular target. It's much harder to drum up that energy when you consider a 5 hour block of uninterrupted sleep a "luxury." Even if I'm not particularly sleepy, my brainpower is definitely at a low ebb these days. The most I can handle these days is an episode of "Survivor" or a quick play of "NBA 2K5" on my Xbox. (As a sidenote, I told a coworker about my current schedule and he remarked to me, 'if what you're saying is true . . . that means you spend at least 18- 20 hours a day awake.')

Another part seems to be the fact that I'm a greedy whore who is looking to start selling some work to pay for my comic book and Howard Stern obsessions. Nothing stung me as much last year as my inability to go to the San Diego Comicon. A close second of disappointment would have to be NOT getting a SIRIUS satellite radio for Stern. I can listen in my car, but would have trouble accessing the satellite signal from work. Still, I'm amazed by how quickly I will sell out my artistic sensibility to buy something like the hardcover "JLA/Avengers" compendium.

A third thing is that if I must be honest with myself, then I do feel a need to be "shown" more. Fact of the matter is that most people consider the art of painting as a form of interior decorating. Only a few would really have my paint splattered battles of the id, ego and superego covering their walls. That doesn't mean I'll paint cute little puppies frolicking in the flowers, but for a hefty amount of change, I'll definitely consider it. Especially now that the Xbox 360 is out. If I have to produce work that is less "me" than usual, so be it. This year is just beginning, but I'm closing a sale on one painting, verbally agreed to a second commission and should be working as a set designer for a play to be performed in April. It's still a little early and these deals just very well may blow up in my face, but hey, there's nothing new about that.

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Where was I? Oh, yeah, I'm going to sleep!!!!