Dealing with Insomnia

I need to wake up at 4:00am at the latest. It's 12:15am. I can't fall asleep. The insomnia has been affecting me for the last 3 or so weeks. For every night I get of 8 hours sleep, I have another 20 nights in which I clock in 5 or less hours.

I'm bitterly disappointed in someone I thought I knew. I shouldn't be surprised by that person's actions. Even though logic tells me that this person has always been selfish and self-centered, I've always held onto the wish that he would grow into the man I always hoped he would be. He hasn't and I doubt he ever will. It's time to let him go. I hope he has a good life, but all I see are chickens waiting to come home to roost.

The kernel that sparked this conflict? He expected me to make an appearance at a function he should have known would be difficult for me to make. I never made any promises to appear that night, but made myself available to see him the following day. He responded childishly at my absence and avoided me, even when I tried contacting him several times. I made a misjudgement on my part, but my intentions weren't malicious. However, he took it very personally. Now that I think about it, I see that he expects the world from me, but I'd be hard pressed to think of what he's really given me in return.

Admittedly, I've had issues with my life the way it is now. But when push came to shove, I realized my wife, son and goddaughter are more important to me than anything else in this world. Their comfort comes before everything, even my own selfish needs. It's not an easy thing to do on my part . . . I'm not averse to exhibiting self-centered behavior, but their happiness has to be more important than my own. I eventually realized that the moment I put myself before them is the moment we stop being a family. The moment I'm cold to my wife's needs is the crack that could lead to my marriage's dissolution. I'm not going to have that.

The last months of Kim's life, I shut her out emotionally. I was cold and distant. The last night we spent together, Kim unleashed her anger over me being consumed with my own life, family, work and not her's. She wasn't happy with just seeing each other and hanging out every so often. She wanted the close relationship we had before as kids. Kim didn't understand that my responsibilities didn't disappear when she blew into town. My family didn't evaporate into thin air when she showed up at the door. I didn't have the space in my life to worry about her, but she refused to accept this simple fact. Looking back on it now, I know I wouldn't have fundamentatlly changed my attitude, even if I knew she would pass away soon. I would have made an effort to say goodbye, but my attitude wouldn't have changed one bit.

Now I see it happening all over again, but I can't do anything different.