Howard Stern Is My Oprah

I've been out for some time. A lot has happened . . . new flooring, rest of the house has been painted (my books and dollies are still boxed up in the garage), wife traveled to houston, wife's cousin passed away, went on a family cruise, working on a set design for a play that's opening this weekend, some work projects are finally coming to fruition, wedding anniversary coming up, baby turning one and walking, etc. etc. blah blah blah.

i was going to write separate blogs detailing different aspects of the above paragraph, but I'm exhausted and want to move away from all that for a sec. Besides, I have something of relative import to disclose; I recently was humbled by a self revelation that really shouldn't be to anyone who knows me:

Howard Stern is my Oprah.

I always used to snicker at those who followed the cult of Oprah. "Those" who will read a book JUST BECAUSE Oprah says it's a good read. "Those" who will scream and yell in spiritual convulsions over Oprah throwing them a key to a new car or some diamond bracelets. Yes, some of "those" I even actually work with (hard to avoid when you work in a department that's 80% female.) I always felt that somehow I was above their station, superior over their pathetic lot in life.

So I'm listening to Stern and the subject of "Brokeback Mountain" came up. Like most straight males, I had NO interest in watching this. A serious dramatic story about two gay cowboys? I would much rather watch an unbroken string of holocaust documentaries than subject myself to that. It's not revulsion; it's just that there are other ways I'd rather fill up my time. Like listening to Stern.

Well anyway, mix "Brokeback" and Stern together and what do you get? A comedy souffle!! Just watch that sucker bake to a golden brown!!! And that's how it was for several months. Then Stern admitted that the night before he watched "Brokeback" as a goof, something to watch for 5 minutes and turn off. But he didn't. He stayed till the end and went as far as to say this was one of the best movies he has ever seen.

Now picture my head blowing. My "master" has said it's okay to watch Brokeback Mountain. A second was all it takes for a film I was FIRM against watching to become a undisputedly valid work of art. And so, if given the opportunity, I will probably watch Brokeback. Now I won't go out to Blockbuster or log on to Netfilx or shop at Wal Mart for this movie, but if someone has a copy, then I would consider watching it.

And that, my friends, is the hold Stern has over my life.

It drives my wife nuts. It is probably the most aggravating thorn in her side. I can see the pain her in face every time I bring the man's name up. If she has to listen to him for more than two minutes, she'll get violently ill. My Superman obsession she can take. My Prince obsession she tolerates. Stern is the line she will not cross. Stern is the land she will not travel to. Stern is evil. Stern is the devil.

So, in reality, I'm not any different from the Oprahetes or any other cult devotees. I suffer from that same zeal.

two quick thoughts

hey, i know. i know what y'all saying. right now. "hey, whassup with kilatzin writing another post? why doesn't wait for one month like he usually does?"

well, cuz i have two issues running through my noggin that i absolutely have to get out.

1) Pitt and Jolie are prego. GOOD. anyone (and that's mainly you yenta-women-out-there-who-watch-the-view) who couldn't fathom why pitt would leave anniston . . . THAT'S WHY. you-who-love-anniston always convieniently forget that SHE didn't want to have children. HE did. Not only did he find someone to bear his seed, he found AN UBERBABE to provide the fertile soil for him to toil!!! and (you yenta-women-out-there-who-watch-the-view are gonna hate this) the odds are that a PITT-JOLIE baby will look at least TWICE AS HOT as a PITT-ANNISTON product. The only people in the world who could top PITT and JOLIE as gene donors would be Superman and Wonder Woman. YES I KNOW THEY'RE FICTIONAL CHARACTERS!!! THAT'S THE POINT YOU STAR-JONES-SYCOPHANT LOSERS!!!!!!


Let me make a modest little proposal. Why not just end both their movie careers right now and just put them out to stud? Sire a whole new generation of acting racehorses. I believe that both their best races/movies are already behind them. Is there really going to be a better movie than "fight club?" do we really need another "tomb raider" sequel? not to belabor the racehorse analogy, but let's ship them off to some nice secluded farm or resort out there; somewhere where the hectic demands of a career as a movie celebrity is far behind them. let clooney and robert make all the movies of substance. they've still got a couple of good flicks in them. i mean what's more important: another crappy flick that no one will give a damn about, or getting in on the ground floor of developing a new master race?


2)This Stern on satellite radio thing SUCKS!!!!! If I had a guarantee that the hard earned money i plunk down on a radio and a subscription would actually work, then i would divest it in a heartbeat. but all evidence points to the fact that the stupid satellite signal can not penetrate my stupid office building. and my stupid work internet connection BLOCKS streaming Sirius content. STUPID STUPID STUPID. I had satellite tv once and i always lost the signal whenever a strong rainstorm hit my area. give me the access and i'll give you my money. now i gotta listen to adam corolla, who on his best day, is just another radio guy. a funny one, but maybe a head above the rest of the pack on a GOOD day.

ugh.