Random thoughts, random entry july edition

Hello everyone. I want to start off with something I found at my parents' house last week. Will wonders ever cease?



I suppose you can view this as another sign of the coming of the apocalypse. I tend to view this as the answer to my half-assed diet prayers! Who can eat a whole CAN of SPAM? Sometimes just a little SPAM will do. And this comes pre-sliced, with much less clear jelly goo!

All you need to do to enjoy this wonderful feast is to ignore the oh-so-annoying nutrition label, which i believe in this case was designed to spoil my fun!

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Speaking of "spoiling my fun . . . "

Superman Movie Thoughts

Okay, so the other shoe has dropped. The Superman movie has finally come out and already people have started baiting me with fighting words. One person who saw it said to my face that he found it "uninspiring, directionless, and plodding." Of course, I could to the same adjectives to describe that aforementioned old fogey with his constant reminiscing about events that happened thirty or forty years ago, but that would be too easy. He's entitled to his opinion and I can see how he would view the movie that way. It's not a perfect movie by any stretch of the imagination.

However, a blog buddy, near and dear to all our hearts, wrote:

"one of bert's co-workers saw it the other day and proclaimed it the worst movie EVER.

pretty harsh for a guy that pretty much likes anything."

like a dagger to the heart.

Really? The "co-worker" likes pretty much anything? So this "person" would place that 80s gymnastics film with Mitch Gaylord and Janet Jones, late Woody Allen films like "Shadows and Fog" and "Husband and Wives" and any Pauly Shore or Yahoo Serious movie behind "Superman Returns" as the worst movie EVER. This person will eat every piece of sh***y filmmaking on STARZ, Showtime, USA, ABC Family, Nickelodeon or Lifetime, but "Superman" is the one line "he/she" won't cross, huh? I mean, if this "co-worker" went to Blockbuster or Hollywood Video, you're telling me that this person would be HARD PRESSED to find something WORSE than "Superman Returns?"

Okay. I guess I'll have to say that "co-worker" has the WORST TASTE IN MOVIES EVER.

I have heard all manners of positive and negatives opinions about the movie, and I can understand where most of them are coming from. The movie is too long; some scenes i thought lasted much longer than they should have. I can understand why some people would find it extremely slow and boring. The casting is a little off. Kate Bosworth as Lois Lane seemed too young to be an experienced Pulitzer Prize winning report/mommy. Brandon Routh lacks the charisma and humor that Christoper Reeve brought to the role. This was underscored by the fact that he looks AND sounds like Christopher Reeve. To be THE SUPERHERO you gotta have this presence, kinda like Reagan or Clinton . . . full of authority tempered with a whole bunch of charm. The movie, in general, takes itself a little too seriously and is not as joyful as you think it would be.

So it's not a perfect movie by any stretch of the imagination.

But here's what the movie gets right . . . it translates from the comic to the big screen what I think is so cool about Superman.

First thing, it provides a proper sense of scale to the character. By that I mean, he doesn't really punch out bad guys in this film . . . that's kind of small potatoes in this day and age . . . any fool superhero can do that. Leave that small scale crap to Batman. Supes tackles the kind of problems that only he can deal with like: stopping a falling jet, lifting a sunken yacht, catching a giant statue in midair, blowing out an entire house fire, carrying of an entire ISLAND!!!! The movie does a VERY good job of showing how monumental it is to have one man, one lone tiny figure against an immense backdrop, handle these impossible tasks. The focus is never really on Superman in these situations. The movie takes its time in setting up the dangers, showing everyone what's at stake in every sequence. Just when things seem bleakest and beyond hope, that's when you see that the only thing that could avert certain disaster would be Superman.

Second thing, the movie does a VERY good job of displaying the selfless heroism of the character. By that I mean, just because you have this immense power, doesn't mean it allows you to be lazy or soft. Supes gets put through the wringer in this film. He gets a monumental beatdown. He gets brutalized . . . almost tortured. When push comes to shove, Superman does the right thing no matter what it might cost him. None of this Spider-Man wishy washy dilly dallying about his purpose. He knows what needs to be done AND more importantly, does it.

In the film, Luthor accuses Supes of being selfish and not sharing his power with the rest of the world. What Luthor views as sharing is actually imposition, forcing others to acquiesce to your will. Luthor's view of power is fascist. Superman is about restraint . . . about not forcing your will on the situation unless it's absolutely necessary. The film shows the scary and destructive potential that anything from Krypton would have on Earth: the technology, the island, even the child who accidently kills a henchmen . . . but never once do you see that in Superman. And that's what I love about the character . . . the sense of restraint for the greater good. Logically, having a being with the power of Superman is a very scary proposition. Think of the bad shit that COULD happen with such a powerful being and the fact that the character shies away, even revulsed by the possibilty is incredible.

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Alright, that diatribe went WAY off the deep end.

See the movie. Don't see the movie. What do I care? The damage has already been done. The movie had made its major money and it looks like the clear public choice is that Pirates movie anyway.

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Other quick movie points:

• A co-worker of mine, who saw the film, commented that Supes was a borderlline stalker throughout it . . . using x-ray vision and superhearing to sneak a peak at Lois . . . flying in the middle of the night to catch a peek at the child . . . I told him that any love worth having is a love worth stalking. Most of what Superman did in the film, we could do with some night vision goggles, audio surviellance equipment, motion detectors . . . just another incident why people at work find me strange



• My mind kept drawing a parallel to Superman's leaving for Krypton without telling Lois and Dave Chappelle's leaving for Africa without telling his wife. Who was more pissed . . . Lois or Chappelle's wife?
  
  
• What kind of a world is it where my mother gets to see the new Superman movie before I do? Not only see it, but also publicly stating that she LIKED it!!! ugh. This is the woman that hid my comics in box under heavy box in her closet. I would have to wait til she left the house, go in there and rummage through my collection like i was a perv, mining for a taste of banned dirty magazines or dvds.

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On to Other Things

My one year old son has a MAJOR "Dora the Explorer" obsession. I think it's either because he's really into Dora as a chick and he REALLY LIKES chicks, or he's gay and he views Dora as the ultimate "fag hag." Don't want him to be gay for the simple reason I'm selfish and I want grandkids. Let his children torture him the way he's currently torturing mommy and i . . . the way I tortured my father and mother. Oh, that would be SOOOOO sweet.

Warning to those who'll attend Comicon in San Diego this year . . . Triumph the Insult Comic Dog might stalk the convention to rip us nerds a new one! The man behind the puppet, Robert Smigel, is doing a Friday night presentation and I can't imagine him passing on such a plum comedic cherry as Comicon.