Sister Lessons

It's been over three years since my sister Kim passed away. I still find myself thinking about her, not necessarily out of sadness; although there are definitely days that affect me more than others. I think. I reminisce. I wonder what might have been. I know that's natural. I think about her all the time, but I hardly ever verbalize this to anyone. It's strange. Towards the end of her life, I would spend my time actively "not" thinking about her, which is actually just a euphemism for "ignore."

I ignored my sister the last few months of her life. In her words, in her mind, I abandoned her. And the truth is: I did.

I had to. Middle-aged life, work and family became my primary concerns. There was no room in my life for the relationship she wanted. Kim stubbornly refused to gracefully accept this new reality. So I walked away.

This is my pattern. This is what I do whenever someone emotionally demands from me more than I'm prepared to give. I shut that person out. I move on. The more I look back on my life, the more I see it filled with past relationships that I left to wither and die. The people I leave behind have become vague shadows. Instead of a being a deeply connected and hard felt memory, that person is more than forgotten; it's almost like they never existed.

Case in point: a mini, informal high school "reunion" I attended last month. Although moments of that event were definitely pleasant, I left with the troubling impression that I had no connection to those people as a whole. Incidents and stories were brought up that were intended to remind us of the bonds we once shared, but for the life of me, my mind just drew a blank. That realization disturbed me for weeks afterward. These were people who invited me in their homes, welcomed me into their families, supported and cared for me. In the end, immaturity twisted our relationships and expectations and I walked away.

That day of the "reunion" I found myself vainly trying to reconnect with strangers.

If Kim was still alive, there's a possibility we would have felt the same way about each other. A bond that was so close, that breaking it would prove traumatic and damaging to both parties. Something neither one of us would ever recover from.

But Kim's passing has ensured that I can never ignore her again. Kim, in a very strange and morbid way, has regained her former place in my life. I find myself reconciling my image of Kim as "just" my sister against the multitude of very different memories and viewpoints of the other lives she touched. So in reevaluating and slowly assembling the larger picture of her life, I'm forced to admit that Kim was, and always will be, more than I could ever imagine. She was more determined, more beautiful, more intelligent, more brave, more crazy, more sensitive, more caring, more empathetic, more neurotic, more capricious, more unstable . . . more full of life than I ever gave her credit for. She was more than just my sister. She is simply "more."

I will always be thinking about her. I will never stop thinking about her. I miss her. I miss what she was. I miss what she could have been. I miss everything about her. I just miss her.

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Thoughts on Being a Filipino American Artist

Every so often, I receive an interview request centering on my thoughts about my artwork, being a Filipino-American or both. Here are my answers to the latest interview request:

Tell me a little about yourself, most especially anything you feel would help in understanding you as a Filipino artist.

I was born in what was Clark Air Force base in the Philippines. My family immigrated to the United States when I was three months old. For all intents and purposes, I’m an American of Filipino ethnicity. My artwork generally depicts an internal, subconscious attempt to deal to with the aspects and circumstances of my life. I’m sure my Filipino identity plays a part in that psychological mix.

As a very successful Filipino, do you feel a responsibility to be a role model for younger acquaintances, friends, and relatives?

I’ve been pondering that question a lot lately. I’ve felt that responsibility in a broader, social/communal sense and expressed it by organizing different Filipino ethnic-themed events and scholarships, etc. However, I’ve ignored my responsibility as a personal role model to my friends and relatives. I ashamedly blame it on my own lack of self-esteem and an abundance of myopic selfishness. I’ve discovered that being a role model is not something you choose for yourself; it’s something that’s subtly and organically bestowed on you by others. You can be blissfully unaware of being a role mode, but it’s a natural byproduct of your life’s path. You do not exist in a vacuum. To ignore the effect you have on others could be damaging, if you don’t weigh the consequences of your words and actions.

After looking at all of your wonderful artwork, it seems that your work often represents an intersection between self-expression and Filipino culture. In this role, do you feel you are trying to promote a Filipino culture that is dying out via assimilation and apathy? Or do you feel that you’re giving direction and leadership to a Filipino culture that is very much thriving?

As an artist, I simply try to express my feelings, subconscious thoughts and state of mind. That being said, one should understand that culture is not a static exclusive entity; it is an always changing and thriving thing that greatly informs an artist’s output. Change is about transformation. Change will happen with or without you. You can comment on trends, or try to influence them; but you must accept the fact that the tides of culture will usually be stronger than an individual’s effort. I was involved with a community arts group that promoted the idea it was okay for the Filipino-American community to express themselves in any way or mode they see fit. Keeping traditional artistic expressions alive, while admirable and worthwhile, should not be the only way of keeping a vibrant culture. You keep the culture alive simply by being, simply by living.

What do you feel is the most central factor to Filipino culture (examples include: language, kinship, food, Catholicism, tradition, multiethnic heritage)? And how do you feel your art has fared in enriching the understanding of this central factor?

Out of the list that you’ve mentioned in the question, the most central factor, in my mind, would have to be the culture’s multiethnic heritage. From my limited studies, I came away with the impression that the Philippines was a political designation, not necessarily one of common experience and identity. In a strange way, I’m an extension of that heritage. What is more multiethnic than being an American these days?


Do you consider yourself Filipino? Or American? Or some combination thereof?

I am an American who had to discover if his Filipino heritage had any bearings outside of his familial ties, and then decide how that played into his everyday life.

In consideration of how you identify yourself, have you ever been criticized for being “too Filipino” or “too American”? What was that experience like? Additionally, have you ever been called the derogatory terms attached to these extremes? Such as 'FOB' or ‘white-washed’?

Fortunately, I grew up with others who more or less lived the under the same circumstances I did, so there was never any aspersions of those types cast. If there were any ethnic tensions, they were never about how ‘Filipino’ someone was or wasn’t. The social tensions came from living in two different worlds: the working class neighborhoods I lived in vs. the middle class high school I attended.

What is your relationship with your parents like? Do you think their exists a generational gap between you and them?

Of course, there's a generational gap between my parents and I. They’re not my peers; they’re my parents. We see things very differently from one another and both sides make decisions the other doesn’t generally agree with. That being said, my wife and I make it a point to visit my parents at least once a month. We’re now at the stage in our relationship where I think they depend on me, more than I them. If there’s anything they need help with, they know they can rely on me.

Do your parents put pressure on you in any way (examples include: pressuring you to practice Catholicism, pressuring you to speak Tagalog or another dialect)? What of these pressures do you choose to follow or reject? How much influence does your parent’s desires carry in how you live your life?

My parents were all about pressures and expectations. I’ve spent my life trying to meet their desires on my own terms. For example, I persuaded my parents to let me enroll at a high school that had an accelerated academic curriculum, although the school’s real draw for me was its performing arts program. I graduated from college with a double degree majoring in sociology and art; choosing Sociology for my parents and Art for myself. My parents wanted me to marry a Filipina in a Catholic Church ceremony. I married a Vietnamese woman in a non-denominational ceremony in a Unitarian church. I find it funny, however, that as much I’ve struggled to live my own life, I’ve ended up in a marriage that mimics the dynamics of my parents’ own relationship. I see my parents in me more than ever; however I’m learning how to accept that fact and not fight it with the same fervor I did in my younger years.

What languages do you speak? If you are multilingual, which do you prefer speaking and why?

Just English. My parents were discouraged by school officials from teaching Tagalog or Pangasinan, citing fears of confusing me. This was a common school of thought back in the seventies.

In what other ways do you learn more about Filipino culture (examples include: literature, dance, etc)?

Mainly from family and the news. I did learn more actively about the culture when I was involved with planning community events.

Do you keep in contact with any relatives in the Philippines?

Most of my relatives have immigrated over the United States.

Do you try to stay aware of the political situation in the Philippines? If so, through what means?

As I’ve stated before, my political and social outlook is primarily American. I will be more interested in news coming out of the Philippines, than say Bosnia, but I don’t have a heavily invested interest in my homeland. My parents will tell me stories of their recent visits to the Philippines, which focuses more small town local politics and society, but that’s about it.

Lastly, please tell me something about yourself that you feel relevant and that has not been addressed above.

What I've come to realize is that, in the end, all that really matters in this life is finding happiness in what you do and in the people you love. Everything else doesn't matter quite as much.

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25 Random Things

So I was one of the Facebook millions stricken by the "25 Random Things." Sure, it's self indulgent, but it also gave me time to reflect a little bit, something I don't really make time for in my normal day-to-day life. For some background, here's a good sarcastic article about the whole phenomemon.

Here's my little stab at the exercise. Thought it would be a good idea to repurpose it for my blog.

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1. It's now 3:44 in the morning and I've been up for about an hour, working on a painting that my son defaced. It's an interesting exercise. The paintings were part of a triptych (head and 2 hands). My son walked in my office while I was on the phone in a business meeting and proceeded to "improve" these semi-realistic paintings. At first, I looked on in horror, but the kid was so cute and proud, literally beaming how he helped daddy work on the painting. To be honest, the paintings were a creative dead end, so incorporating my son's "revisions", has made this more creatively rewarding.

2. I've just finished listening to the audiobook version of "Outliers" by Malcolm Gladwell. The books theme centers on the cultural and societal influences that fuel the success of so-called "self-made" people. It's got me thinking about my goddaughter in a whole new light, and brings new perspective on my wife's initial connection to her. She really has become a daughter to both of us and it's our responsibility to provide her the foundation for a fruitful and productive life. I worry about how much we can actually do for her. She's only twelve and is in no hurry to grow up, but it won't be too long before she's in college.

3. This is the most time and space I've had to myself in quite awhile. Usually I'm working at this hour. Telecommuting gives you incredible flexibility with your schedule, but the downside is that now you can work at 3am in the morning!

4. I'm still trying to wrap my head around the "Final Crisis" comic book miniseries. It is the most unconventional mainstream superhero comic book I've ever read. The storytelling techniques and thematic structure is such a different beast, the great majority of comic book geek boys are up in arms and ready to ready to riot. It's kind of like the "Eyes Wide Shut" of the comic book world. People had high expectations from a Tom Cruise/Stanley Kubrick collaboration, but the movie defiantly did not give what the public wanted. However, both works have moments and ideas of pure genius.

5. I've stopped being a rabid Prince fan. Got front row seats to his show at the Staples Center in 2005 and I figure things couldn't get much better than that. He even slapped my hand over how much I was getting into him singing "Sign of the Times". But his latest music and career moves have left me cold.

6. I do my best to be a good husband and father, but I fear I'm always falling short. I fear that to do better, I need be a different person, but I have strong doubts I can do that.

7. The lifestyle I have now has created some distance between me and my friends/loved ones. But how am I supposed to make time for others when I rarely get time for myself?

8. I'm a huge Howard Stern fan. I joke about it, but listening to his show does provide a HUGE release for me. He's the ANTI Oprah. He's the tonic for people who doesn't buy the idea that Oprah knows better you. She doesn't. Besides, I’m more into The View.

9. I find it very hard to relate to the fellow employees in my department. That's not to say that I don't like or respect them. They are very supportive and caring people, however my outlook on life is much too crude and dark for them to appreciate. I'm constantly censoring myself in their presence and sometimes it takes too much effort.

10. To be honest, I don't think I've aged too badly. That doesn't mean I have a good self-image or that I'm particularly healthy, but I managed to wear the same size clothes for the last decade or so. I still have an immense amount of self-hatred, but it's not because I'm getting older. It's because I'm still the same ugly asshole I've always been.

11. I think my wife views herself as plain looking, but to me, she's beautiful. I do think she stresses herself too much over surface issues, like housekeeping, but I also know that she thinks I spend too much of my time locked up in my own head.

12. I’m now typing this list on my sister’s laptop just minutes from picking up my son at his grandmother’s house. I can still picture my sister in my backyard patio, soaking in the sun, feverishly working on her thesis with books strewn all over the cement floor. Every little act of lunacy or bravery I indulge in, I silently dedicate to her memory. Dealing with the mundane and extraordinary realities of her passing shocked me into finally growing up and fully meeting my responsibilities with arms wide open. I can’t express much more than that right now. I have a comic strip in mind where my sister and I meet up to settle unfinished business, but it might be end up sounding false, because our business is already settled. I do miss her.

13. American Idol is just like every other third-world television talent show. Is there really a difference between that show and the Vietnamese “Paris by Night” showcase, or any Filipino variety show? (I mean besides the amount of money spent on producing and advertising.)

14. I’m surprised how much Facebook forced me to look back into my past. There have been so many different people and experiences that have revisited me, thanks to this social media application, I can hardly believe I was the person I used to be.

15. Here’s the unvarnished base issue behind any opposition to gay marriage: the belief that homosexuality is deviant and evil makes it okay to deny gay couples equal consideration under the law. People just have issues with same-gender sexual relations. However, the institution of marriage is not just about sex, it’s also about commitment and partnership. You don’t look at a heterosexual married couple and immediately think “wow, they have sex with each other.” You think about family, responsibilities, etc. Why should it be any different for gay and lesbian couples? My wife’s best friend, who is also my son’s godfather, is gay. Would my wife and I entrust our son to someone so evil?

16. Following that line of thought, a close friend suggested that I create a gay comic strip or comic book because I’m “the closest thing to gay a straight man can be.” Flattery will get you nowhere.

17. There are times I desperately want another child, but then I imagine myself falling into the same mindset as the ‘octomom’. Thank goodness for the octomom’s insanity to set me straight.

18. I don’t think I’m going to handle the prospect of my goddaughter dating well at all. I’m feeling slightly queasy just thinking about it.

19. I look forward to the time when I can just go out to dinner or take a sunset beach walk with my wife at a moment’s notice and not have to worry about babysitting. Of course we’ll be over 60 then, but at least we’ll be able to take advantage of the early bird specials at Marie Calendars.

20. I’ve forgotten how to swear proficiently. I used to be quite good at it. Now I can't cuss worth doo doo. See what I mean?

21. I need to regularly create art again. The last creatively satisfying thing I did was set design for a play in 2005. I need to feel that rush again. I need to find a way to fit this back in my life.

22. I’m not a good person. I’ve done things that fill me with regret and shame. Or maybe I was just raised Catholic.

23. I cannot overstate my love for bacon. I know it’s the stomach lining filled with toxins that pigs are unable to sweat out, but I just don’t care. I'm like those people who are still fans of OJ Simpson, Woody Allen, Chris Brown or Roman Polanski. The ugly truth will not dissuade me one bit.

24. I lie more than you think I do. Take this list for example.

25. It’s now 10pm at night. I started this list 2 days ago. Finishing this was more exhausting than I thought it would be.