To Kill or Kilatzin?

Sister Lessons

2009-09-06T14:59:00.000-07:00

It's been over three years since my sister Kim passed away. I still find myself thinking about her, not necessarily out of sadness; although there are definitely days that affect me more than others. I think. I reminisce. I wonder what might have been. I know that's natural. I think about her all the time, but I hardly ever verbalize this to anyone. It's strange. Towards the end of her life, I would spend my time actively "not" thinking about her, which is actually just a euphemism for "ignore."

I ignored my sister the last few months of her life. In her words, in her mind, I abandoned her. And the truth is: I did.

I had to. Middle-aged life, work and family became my primary concerns. There was no room in my life for the relationship she wanted. Kim stubbornly refused to gracefully accept this new reality. So I walked away.

This is my pattern. This is what I do whenever someone emotionally demands from me more than I'm prepared to give. I shut that person out. I move on. The more I look back on my life, the more I see it filled with past relationships that I left to wither and die. The people I leave behind have become vague shadows. Instead of a being a deeply connected and hard felt memory, that person is more than forgotten; it's almost like they never existed.

Case in point: a mini, informal high school "reunion" I attended last month. Although moments of that event were definitely pleasant, I left with the troubling impression that I had no connection to those people as a whole. Incidents and stories were brought up that were intended to remind us of the bonds we once shared, but for the life of me, my mind just drew a blank. That realization disturbed me for weeks afterward. These were people who invited me in their homes, welcomed me into their families, supported and cared for me. In the end, immaturity twisted our relationships and expectations and I walked away.

That day of the "reunion" I found myself vainly trying to reconnect with strangers.

If Kim was still alive, there's a possibility we would have felt the same way about each other. A bond that was so close, that breaking it would prove traumatic and damaging to both parties. Something neither one of us would ever recover from.

But Kim's passing has ensured that I can never ignore her again. Kim, in a very strange and morbid way, has regained her former place in my life. I find myself reconciling my image of Kim as "just" my sister against the multitude of very different memories and viewpoints of the other lives she touched. So in reevaluating and slowly assembling the larger picture of her life, I'm forced to admit that Kim was, and always will be, more than I could ever imagine. She was more determined, more beautiful, more intelligent, more brave, more crazy, more sensitive, more caring, more empathetic, more neurotic, more capricious, more unstable . . . more full of life than I ever gave her credit for. She was more than just my sister. She is simply "more."

I will always be thinking about her. I will never stop thinking about her. I miss her. I miss what she was. I miss what she could have been. I miss everything about her. I just miss her.

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2009-06-11T13:33:00.001-07:00

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Thoughts on Being a Filipino American Artist

2009-04-25T10:24:00.000-07:00

Every so often, I receive an interview request centering on my thoughts about my artwork, being a Filipino-American or both. Here are my answers to the latest interview request:

Tell me a little about yourself, most especially anything you feel would help in understanding you as a Filipino artist.

I was born in what was Clark Air Force base in the Philippines. My family immigrated to the United States when I was three months old. For all intents and purposes, I’m an American of Filipino ethnicity. My artwork generally depicts an internal, subconscious attempt to deal to with the aspects and circumstances of my life. I’m sure my Filipino identity plays a part in that psychological mix.

As a very successful Filipino, do you feel a responsibility to be a role model for younger acquaintances, friends, and relatives?

I’ve been pondering that question a lot lately. I’ve felt that responsibility in a broader, social/communal sense and expressed it by organizing different Filipino ethnic-themed events and scholarships, etc. However, I’ve ignored my responsibility as a personal role model to my friends and relatives. I ashamedly blame it on my own lack of self-esteem and an abundance of myopic selfishness. I’ve discovered that being a role model is not something you choose for yourself; it’s something that’s subtly and organically bestowed on you by others. You can be blissfully unaware of being a role mode, but it’s a natural byproduct of your life’s path. You do not exist in a vacuum. To ignore the effect you have on others could be damaging, if you don’t weigh the consequences of your words and actions.

After looking at all of your wonderful artwork, it seems that your work often represents an intersection between self-expression and Filipino culture. In this role, do you feel you are trying to promote a Filipino culture that is dying out via assimilation and apathy? Or do you feel that you’re giving direction and leadership to a Filipino culture that is very much thriving?

As an artist, I simply try to express my feelings, subconscious thoughts and state of mind. That being said, one should understand that culture is not a static exclusive entity; it is an always changing and thriving thing that greatly informs an artist’s output. Change is about transformation. Change will happen with or without you. You can comment on trends, or try to influence them; but you must accept the fact that the tides of culture will usually be stronger than an individual’s effort. I was involved with a community arts group that promoted the idea it was okay for the Filipino-American community to express themselves in any way or mode they see fit. Keeping traditional artistic expressions alive, while admirable and worthwhile, should not be the only way of keeping a vibrant culture. You keep the culture alive simply by being, simply by living.

What do you feel is the most central factor to Filipino culture (examples include: language, kinship, food, Catholicism, tradition, multiethnic heritage)? And how do you feel your art has fared in enriching the understanding of this central factor?

Out of the list that you’ve mentioned in the question, the most central factor, in my mind, would have to be the culture’s multiethnic heritage. From my limited studies, I came away with the impression that the Philippines was a political designation, not necessarily one of common experience and identity. In a strange way, I’m an extension of that heritage. What is more multiethnic than being an American these days?

Do you consider yourself Filipino? Or American? Or some combination thereof?

I am an American who had to discover if his Filipino heritage had any bearings outside of his familial ties, and then decide how that played into his everyday life.

In consideration of how you identify yourself, have you ever been criticized for being “too Filipino” or “too American”? What was that experience like? Additionally, have you ever been called the derogatory terms attached to these extremes? Such as 'FOB' or ‘white-washed’?

Fortunately, I grew up with others who more or less lived the under the same circumstances I did, so there was never any aspersions of those types cast. If there were any ethnic tensions, they were never about how ‘Filipino’ someone was or wasn’t. The social tensions came from living in two different worlds: the working class neighborhoods I lived in vs. the middle class high school I attended.

What is your relationship with your parents like? Do you think their exists a generational gap between you and them?

Of course, there's a generational gap between my parents and I. They’re not my peers; they’re my parents. We see things very differently from one another and both sides make decisions the other doesn’t generally agree with. That being said, my wife and I make it a point to visit my parents at least once a month. We’re now at the stage in our relationship where I think they depend on me, more than I them. If there’s anything they need help with, they know they can rely on me.

Do your parents put pressure on you in any way (examples include: pressuring you to practice Catholicism, pressuring you to speak Tagalog or another dialect)? What of these pressures do you choose to follow or reject? How much influence does your parent’s desires carry in how you live your life?

My parents were all about pressures and expectations. I’ve spent my life trying to meet their desires on my own terms. For example, I persuaded my parents to let me enroll at a high school that had an accelerated academic curriculum, although the school’s real draw for me was its performing arts program. I graduated from college with a double degree majoring in sociology and art; choosing Sociology for my parents and Art for myself. My parents wanted me to marry a Filipina in a Catholic Church ceremony. I married a Vietnamese woman in a non-denominational ceremony in a Unitarian church. I find it funny, however, that as much I’ve struggled to live my own life, I’ve ended up in a marriage that mimics the dynamics of my parents’ own relationship. I see my parents in me more than ever; however I’m learning how to accept that fact and not fight it with the same fervor I did in my younger years.

What languages do you speak? If you are multilingual, which do you prefer speaking and why?

Just English. My parents were discouraged by school officials from teaching Tagalog or Pangasinan, citing fears of confusing me. This was a common school of thought back in the seventies.

In what other ways do you learn more about Filipino culture (examples include: literature, dance, etc)?

Mainly from family and the news. I did learn more actively about the culture when I was involved with planning community events.

Do you keep in contact with any relatives in the Philippines?

Most of my relatives have immigrated over the United States.

Do you try to stay aware of the political situation in the Philippines? If so, through what means?

As I’ve stated before, my political and social outlook is primarily American. I will be more interested in news coming out of the Philippines, than say Bosnia, but I don’t have a heavily invested interest in my homeland. My parents will tell me stories of their recent visits to the Philippines, which focuses more small town local politics and society, but that’s about it.

Lastly, please tell me something about yourself that you feel relevant and that has not been addressed above.

What I've come to realize is that, in the end, all that really matters in this life is finding happiness in what you do and in the people you love. Everything else doesn't matter quite as much.

Corporate Life - a blog love story in comic strip form

2009-04-15T05:44:00.000-07:00

BabyTalk Comic Story

2009-04-10T05:35:00.001-07:00

Nielsen Claritas Demographics Widget

2009-04-01T13:36:00.001-07:00

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25 Random Things

2009-03-31T20:26:00.000-07:00

So I was one of the Facebook millions stricken by the "25 Random Things." Sure, it's self indulgent, but it also gave me time to reflect a little bit, something I don't really make time for in my normal day-to-day life. For some background, here's a good sarcastic article about the whole phenomemon.

Here's my little stab at the exercise. Thought it would be a good idea to repurpose it for my blog.

==========================

1. It's now 3:44 in the morning and I've been up for about an hour, working on a painting that my son defaced. It's an interesting exercise. The paintings were part of a triptych (head and 2 hands). My son walked in my office while I was on the phone in a business meeting and proceeded to "improve" these semi-realistic paintings. At first, I looked on in horror, but the kid was so cute and proud, literally beaming how he helped daddy work on the painting. To be honest, the paintings were a creative dead end, so incorporating my son's "revisions", has made this more creatively rewarding.

2. I've just finished listening to the audiobook version of "Outliers" by Malcolm Gladwell. The books theme centers on the cultural and societal influences that fuel the success of so-called "self-made" people. It's got me thinking about my goddaughter in a whole new light, and brings new perspective on my wife's initial connection to her. She really has become a daughter to both of us and it's our responsibility to provide her the foundation for a fruitful and productive life. I worry about how much we can actually do for her. She's only twelve and is in no hurry to grow up, but it won't be too long before she's in college.

3. This is the most time and space I've had to myself in quite awhile. Usually I'm working at this hour. Telecommuting gives you incredible flexibility with your schedule, but the downside is that now you can work at 3am in the morning!

4. I'm still trying to wrap my head around the "Final Crisis" comic book miniseries. It is the most unconventional mainstream superhero comic book I've ever read. The storytelling techniques and thematic structure is such a different beast, the great majority of comic book geek boys are up in arms and ready to ready to riot. It's kind of like the "Eyes Wide Shut" of the comic book world. People had high expectations from a Tom Cruise/Stanley Kubrick collaboration, but the movie defiantly did not give what the public wanted. However, both works have moments and ideas of pure genius.

5. I've stopped being a rabid Prince fan. Got front row seats to his show at the Staples Center in 2005 and I figure things couldn't get much better than that. He even slapped my hand over how much I was getting into him singing "Sign of the Times". But his latest music and career moves have left me cold.

6. I do my best to be a good husband and father, but I fear I'm always falling short. I fear that to do better, I need be a different person, but I have strong doubts I can do that.

7. The lifestyle I have now has created some distance between me and my friends/loved ones. But how am I supposed to make time for others when I rarely get time for myself?

8. I'm a huge Howard Stern fan. I joke about it, but listening to his show does provide a HUGE release for me. He's the ANTI Oprah. He's the tonic for people who doesn't buy the idea that Oprah knows better you. She doesn't. Besides, I’m more into The View.

9. I find it very hard to relate to the fellow employees in my department. That's not to say that I don't like or respect them. They are very supportive and caring people, however my outlook on life is much too crude and dark for them to appreciate. I'm constantly censoring myself in their presence and sometimes it takes too much effort.

10. To be honest, I don't think I've aged too badly. That doesn't mean I have a good self-image or that I'm particularly healthy, but I managed to wear the same size clothes for the last decade or so. I still have an immense amount of self-hatred, but it's not because I'm getting older. It's because I'm still the same ugly asshole I've always been.

11. I think my wife views herself as plain looking, but to me, she's beautiful. I do think she stresses herself too much over surface issues, like housekeeping, but I also know that she thinks I spend too much of my time locked up in my own head.

12. I’m now typing this list on my sister’s laptop just minutes from picking up my son at his grandmother’s house. I can still picture my sister in my backyard patio, soaking in the sun, feverishly working on her thesis with books strewn all over the cement floor. Every little act of lunacy or bravery I indulge in, I silently dedicate to her memory. Dealing with the mundane and extraordinary realities of her passing shocked me into finally growing up and fully meeting my responsibilities with arms wide open. I can’t express much more than that right now. I have a comic strip in mind where my sister and I meet up to settle unfinished business, but it might be end up sounding false, because our business is already settled. I do miss her.

13. American Idol is just like every other third-world television talent show. Is there really a difference between that show and the Vietnamese “Paris by Night” showcase, or any Filipino variety show? (I mean besides the amount of money spent on producing and advertising.)

14. I’m surprised how much Facebook forced me to look back into my past. There have been so many different people and experiences that have revisited me, thanks to this social media application, I can hardly believe I was the person I used to be.

15. Here’s the unvarnished base issue behind any opposition to gay marriage: the belief that homosexuality is deviant and evil makes it okay to deny gay couples equal consideration under the law. People just have issues with same-gender sexual relations. However, the institution of marriage is not just about sex, it’s also about commitment and partnership. You don’t look at a heterosexual married couple and immediately think “wow, they have sex with each other.” You think about family, responsibilities, etc. Why should it be any different for gay and lesbian couples? My wife’s best friend, who is also my son’s godfather, is gay. Would my wife and I entrust our son to someone so evil?

16. Following that line of thought, a close friend suggested that I create a gay comic strip or comic book because I’m “the closest thing to gay a straight man can be.” Flattery will get you nowhere.

17. There are times I desperately want another child, but then I imagine myself falling into the same mindset as the ‘octomom’. Thank goodness for the octomom’s insanity to set me straight.

18. I don’t think I’m going to handle the prospect of my goddaughter dating well at all. I’m feeling slightly queasy just thinking about it.

19. I look forward to the time when I can just go out to dinner or take a sunset beach walk with my wife at a moment’s notice and not have to worry about babysitting. Of course we’ll be over 60 then, but at least we’ll be able to take advantage of the early bird specials at Marie Calendars.

20. I’ve forgotten how to swear proficiently. I used to be quite good at it. Now I can't cuss worth doo doo. See what I mean?

21. I need to regularly create art again. The last creatively satisfying thing I did was set design for a play in 2005. I need to feel that rush again. I need to find a way to fit this back in my life.

22. I’m not a good person. I’ve done things that fill me with regret and shame. Or maybe I was just raised Catholic.

23. I cannot overstate my love for bacon. I know it’s the stomach lining filled with toxins that pigs are unable to sweat out, but I just don’t care. I'm like those people who are still fans of OJ Simpson, Woody Allen, Chris Brown or Roman Polanski. The ugly truth will not dissuade me one bit.

24. I lie more than you think I do. Take this list for example.

25. It’s now 10pm at night. I started this list 2 days ago. Finishing this was more exhausting than I thought it would be.

song

2008-08-12T08:48:00.000-07:00

The choices you make,
The risks that you take
can overwhelm you . . .
So girl be careful.

You never cared.
You held your stare.
You stood your ground.
Still . . . girl be careful.

But you held to your own reasons.
And you changed with your own seasons.

Please, let mercy just smile on your face.
Let her envelop your soul with her warm embrace.

The years linger on but I swear
everything still feels the same.

Nothing has changed.
Nothing will change.

Try Googling Yourself

2008-07-21T19:39:00.000-07:00

Did a google search of the term "kilatzin" a little while ago. Here's a smattering of the search results.

The first two search results are a friendly reminder of the saying "the things you say and the things you do, will someday come back and turn on you."

Training Wheels: NUTELLA...
Posted by: Kilatzin | February 25, 2006 at 11:43 PM ... Man, kilatzin is one bad-ass dude!""Man, kilatzin's a real pussy!!" Posted by: ScregMan | March 03, ...
ilovehappycows.typepad.com/trainingwheels/2006/02/nutella.html - 19k -

Thane of the Universe: On car stereos and portables
kilatzin's sucking balls and then back paddling by saying getting balls sucked ... kilatzin: you are in NO place to ask if sucking balls or getting them ...
thaneoftheuniverse.blogspot.com/2005/10/on-car-stereos-and-portables.html - 96k -

My website got me a quickie phone interview for San Diego News and Notes some years back. Frankly, I was pulling this stuff out of my ass while talking on the cell phone during afternoon rush hour. Who cares if I'm not really a popular Filipino graphic artist? Truth is not what's true; it's what you can repeat over and over and over again.

San Diego News Notes | June 2005 | Articles | Planned Parenthood ...
Ken Perez is a popular Filipino graphic artist whose works can be viewed at Kilatzin. Perez, 35 and a new father, describes himself as "no longer a ...
www.sdnewsnotes.com/ed/articles/2005/0506rk.htm - 15k -

The last entry is off a Prince fan message board. Apparently someone found the Prince comic strip I submitted for a convention compiliation. I'm particularly proud of this comic, but the backhanded compliments of the thread took me back a little.

prince new? comic
http://www.kilatzin.com/i...prince.pdf. - E-mail - orgNote - Report post to moderator. Reply #1 posted 04/12/06 10:17am. andykeen. avatar. cool cool ...
prince.org/msg/7/185177 - 12k - Cached - Similar pages - Note this

Scare

2008-07-16T19:17:00.000-07:00

I was about to host a webinar meeting with some clients and account executives, when my cell phone started ringing. By the sound of the ringtone, I could tell it was my wife.

I let out an irritated and distracted "hello?"

My wife's voice was never like I've heard it: anguished, panicked, desperate.

"Our son is missing!"

"What?"

"Our son is missing! Mom went out to the backyard to water some plants and when she went back inside he disappeared! She looked everywhere for him! She called out for him and there's been no answer! She can't find him! She left the side screen door open and the side gate unlocked! She thinks he might have wandered out in the street! He's been gone for twenty minutes! You need to call 911! I'm going to Mom's house right now!"

"I'm on my way!"

My co-workers popped their heads over their cubes. Even in my panic, I always marvel how much their actions remind me of prairie dogs or meerkats. "What's wrong Ken?"

Running to the elevator I could only repeat what my wife told me. "My son is missing!"

I dial 911. I only remember the following conversation in bits and pieces. I remember the operator's initial confusion over my cell phone number's area code being different from the one where my son stays with his grandmother. I remember her asking why I'm the one calling if my wife and mother-in-law were more directly involved than I was. I told her that I didn't know; that my mother-in-law really doesn't speak English; that my wife ran out the door and that I'm doing the same. The 911 operator transfered me to the local police station. I give her all relevant information she asked for: the boy's name and age, the mother-in-law's name, address and phone number. The operator told me that she was dispatching an officer to my mother-in-law's house and hung up the phone.

My mind was amazingly clear from the adrenaline rushing through my veins. I was figuring out the possible routes the boy could have taken, but then I stopped when I realized how busy the streets in my mother-in-law's neighborhood were, and all the times I've noticed cars going at least thirty miles above the speed limit. I feared the worst.

Before I knew it, I was pushing my minivan past 95 mph on the 5 north carpool lane, with cell phone glued to my ear. I called my wife again and told her that the police were on their way. My mind was simultaneously calculating the time it would take to my mother-in-law's and wondering if he was somehow still in the house. I dialed 911 again, this time to give them my wife's cell phone number, since she would arrive at the house before I would.

This is part from the whole day I remember most clearly:

"Sir, your son is safe. The officer arrived at your mother-in-law's house and they found him hiding in an closet. He's with your mother-in-law now. Sir? Sir? I need to ask you to please take a deep breath and slow down. Your son is safe. He does not need you to get into a car accident right now."

So I took a deep breath. I slowed down.

Dealing with Insomnia

2008-07-16T00:15:00.000-07:00

I need to wake up at 4:00am at the latest. It's 12:15am. I can't fall asleep. The insomnia has been affecting me for the last 3 or so weeks. For every night I get of 8 hours sleep, I have another 20 nights in which I clock in 5 or less hours.

I'm bitterly disappointed in someone I thought I knew. I shouldn't be surprised by that person's actions. Even though logic tells me that this person has always been selfish and self-centered, I've always held onto the wish that he would grow into the man I always hoped he would be. He hasn't and I doubt he ever will. It's time to let him go. I hope he has a good life, but all I see are chickens waiting to come home to roost.

The kernel that sparked this conflict? He expected me to make an appearance at a function he should have known would be difficult for me to make. I never made any promises to appear that night, but made myself available to see him the following day. He responded childishly at my absence and avoided me, even when I tried contacting him several times. I made a misjudgement on my part, but my intentions weren't malicious. However, he took it very personally. Now that I think about it, I see that he expects the world from me, but I'd be hard pressed to think of what he's really given me in return.

Admittedly, I've had issues with my life the way it is now. But when push came to shove, I realized my wife, son and goddaughter are more important to me than anything else in this world. Their comfort comes before everything, even my own selfish needs. It's not an easy thing to do on my part . . . I'm not averse to exhibiting self-centered behavior, but their happiness has to be more important than my own. I eventually realized that the moment I put myself before them is the moment we stop being a family. The moment I'm cold to my wife's needs is the crack that could lead to my marriage's dissolution. I'm not going to have that.

The last months of Kim's life, I shut her out emotionally. I was cold and distant. The last night we spent together, Kim unleashed her anger over me being consumed with my own life, family, work and not her's. She wasn't happy with just seeing each other and hanging out every so often. She wanted the close relationship we had before as kids. Kim didn't understand that my responsibilities didn't disappear when she blew into town. My family didn't evaporate into thin air when she showed up at the door. I didn't have the space in my life to worry about her, but she refused to accept this simple fact. Looking back on it now, I know I wouldn't have fundamentatlly changed my attitude, even if I knew she would pass away soon. I would have made an effort to say goodbye, but my attitude wouldn't have changed one bit.

Now I see it happening all over again, but I can't do anything different.

What's going on right now?

2008-06-10T19:11:00.000-07:00

Some minor thoughts and tribulations:

I'm watching Game 3 of the NBA finals on my new 46" HDTV. The difference between regular TV and HDTV is kinda like the difference between dating a "mall cute" chick and a supermodel. Sure both will do in a pinch, but I can imagine it would be a little hard to go back to "mall cute" when you've had "goddess beautiful". And for full disclaimer's sake: it would be difficult, even in my "skinny-youthful-full-head-of-hair" heyday to date either class of female. I would have been lucky to date ANY class of female.

In the movie "Notting Hill," there's a montage scene of Hugh Grant trying to move on and date after being shut down by Julia Roberts' character, YET AGAIN. After a couple of predictable and cartoonish duds, he stumbles upon a lovely, attractive woman who clearly fancies him. In any normal circumstance, she would have been deemed a great catch. Yet, in the glaring light of Julia Roberts, she is just small potatoes . . . you know . . . "mall cute."

If I'm writing about Notting Hill, then the series is clearly not going well for the Lakers. Boston is clearly the superior team, talent-wise, in this series. That doesn't necessarily mean anything at this point. The 88 finals between LA and Detroit comes to mind. I remember the Pistons being the clearly superior team, but thanks to guts, grit and a few favorable foul calls, the Lakers escaped with a championship that they didn't necessarily deserve. Not that I'm complaining . . . I'm just saying that the Lakers have proven themselves to be the "underdog."

I guess I'm not a big "Kobe" fan; I've always been a Shaq guy. I understand why the Lakers traded him away. Hindsight has proven that Shaq was on the downside of his career. He's still a good player, he's just no longer the self-proclaimed monster force of nature. So Miami basically rented Shaq for about 2 years and he brought much needed attitude and a championship to that team. He even played his heart out that year in the Detroit series; like he had something to prove after the Lakers' loss the previous year. However, as evidenced by Phoenix's gamble this year, asking for Shaq at this point to carry a team is asking for a bit much.

I know, I know . . . Kobe is playing the best ball of his career and he's now threatening to be regarded in the same class as Jordan, but I just can't get into him. If the Lakers win the championship, I'll be very ambivalent about it.

Ok, enough basketball. Where was I?

#####################################

In terms of fan obsession, "Sex in the City" is the desperate feminine version of "Star Trek". Women dressing like their favorite "Sex in the City" character before watching the film, meet up in a bar and drinking "cosmos". Who does that? "Star Trek" fans, that's who. Dressing up and pretending to live life like their favorite FICTIONAL character . . . all in good fun. Well if it's sick for Star Trek, it's sick for Sex in the City.

But as one guy expressed in a candid conversation, "any show that encourages women to drink, screw around, cheat on their lovers and act like sluts is alright by me."

Hear, hear.

For the record, I think it's a good show.

#################################

My brother's high school buddy took it upon himself to spearhead the creation and implementation of a scholarship commemorating my sister's memory. It was a very selfless and generous action on his end. The idea of a scholarship was publicly brought up at Kim's funeral by one of her eulogists. It sounded like a very good idea, even when that eulogist dropped the ball and disappointed the hell out of my family. The scholarship seemed to be a good step to turn what was a very distressful and sorrowful situation into something positive. My brother's friend, for no reason other than compassion, took up the cause and willed this scholarship to fruition. Jay, my family is forever in your debt.

To learn more about the scholarhip, here's the speech I wrote for the scholarship recipient's award ceremony:

We’re here to present the award for the Kimberly Perez Making Connections scholarship, which acknowledges the student whose submitted essay and actions best illustrate the following ideas:

1. that such things as age, gender, nationality, language, ethnicity and religion should never stand in the way of compassion.

2. that education is the best road to compassion.

3. that compassion, even if it frightens you, should always lead to action.

These ideas, which fuel this scholarship, was inspired by our sister Kim who embodied them every day of her life. She was an amazing person; a stubbornly fearless individual who was positioning herself to make a larger contribution to the world community.

We see a little spark of Kim in this year’s chosen essay, in which the student was so moved by the plight of Ugandan children in that country’s civil war, she felt compelled enough to raise awareness and aid, by helping to organize the “Sounds of Silence” event in 2007. This is an example of education leading to compassion which in turn, leads to action.

This year’s recipient goes on to write about her time volunteering at a neighborhood hospital, noting that making connections is not just about the grand public gesture. It’s also about the smaller personal actions that can make all the difference in everyday life.

It is our hope that this year’s recipient views this scholarship as encouragement to continue down her stated path, to begin her studies in Sociology and Psychology, and perhaps one day, join the Peace Corps.

We are proud to present this year’s Kimberly Perez Making Connections scholarship, and its $500 dollar reward, to Margarita Lopez.

The scholarship recipient had no idea she was the winner. As I read the speech and talked about the specifics of Margarita's essay, my peripheral vision caught sight of her visible surprise as the realization dawned on both her and her friends. It was once of the nicer moments I've had in a while, and I'm sure Kim would have approved.

Coming to Terms with Sweeney Todd

2008-01-04T19:09:00.000-08:00

Yeah, I may be a comic loving, bacon eating, former Prince listening freak. But here's something I rarely advertise: I love Stephen Sondheim musicals. When you say the word 'musical' among the general populace, you get looks that range from quizzical and uncomprehending, to sometimes vague disgust. At least superhero comics are in the general populace's attention span. Yeah, liking them may be weird, but with the dizzying amount of television, movies and advertisements that play off the superhero concept, there is a certain amount of cultural cachet and acceptance.

Musicals? Forget it. Musicals are looked on as hokey, simplistic, sappy, girlie, etc. You're watching a play and for no good reason, one of the actors break into a corny song? Why? What in the Good Lord's name would compel someone to do something so stupid as sing in the middle of the play? And why would anyone in their right minds spend good money, park their butts down and watch such a thing? Even those creators who've been successful in the recent past, like Andrew Lloyd Weber and Tim Rice, have been dismissed as unchallenging escapist entertainment. Neither of those names are considered to be great artistic geniuses. More to the point, neither has done much to refute the general public's disdain for the artform.

To counteract this perception, you now have musicals that:

base their entire production around a pop music act's song catalog--ala Abba, Billy Joel, Queen or even Bob Dylan.
are theatrical versions of movies--like The Producers, Young Frankenstein, Hairspray or Spamalot.
are Disney-sponsored adaptations of their own cartoons--like the Lion King and Beauty and the Beast.

The obvious idea behind this trend is that these show types bring a familiarity that's more likely to stir a potential audience's interest. Putting on a theatrical production is not cheap and it's a risky financial proposition. Like the movie studios shelling out movies based on old TV sitcoms, Saturday morning cartoons, or yes, even comic books, Broadway needs something to hook the widest audience possible, perhaps at the cost of its own "artistic soul".

And that's why I love Sondheim. In the face of the decline of the American musical, Sondheim is the one figure who found continued success in pushing the medium's conventions, theatergoing public taste be damned! Whether its in subject matter, songwriting or stage presentation there's more often than not something new to be experienced in a Sondheim musical. I could go on and on about this point, but will save this part of the discussion for another day. I want to get to the meat of this post and write about the Sweeney Todd film adaptation.

I didn't quite know what to expect from this movie. Tim Burton usually is 50/50 with his film adaptations: loving that Sleepy Hollow/Headless Horseman/Depp movie, but detesting his Planet of the Apes adaptation. And for a time, he was tasked with producing and directing the Superman movie, which would have been a disaster, because from his interviews and pre-production plans, he obviously hated the character. Hey Burton, the corny stuff is what makes Supes so cool!!! I won't go into his Batman films, outside of the fact that he didn't really care about Batman as a character either. The first film should have been called "Joker Loves Batman". The second should have been called "Penguin, Catwoman and the 'more cowbell' guy with Micheal Keaton making a cameo appearance as Batman."

But enough about that. I think Sweeney Todd is probably the best recent Broadway to Hollywood translation I've seen since West Side Story. Like the best of film adaptations, it added dimensions to the work that its original format, whether by design or genre constrictions, could never envision. For example, the use of blood in the movie. Blood is a tricky thing to pull off on stage and though I've never thought about it until now, the lack of it in the stage production actually provided the audience a comfortable sense of distance. Not so with the movie; Sweeney is slathered in the fake red goo from head to toe for good portions of the movie, which makes sense since it is a horror film. Another improvement in the movie is how the whole Judge Turpin/Anthony "don't touch my daughter" scene unfolds. It always rung a little hollow and quick for me in the stage production, while the film's scene is more organic and a much better introduction to the evil character of Judge Turpin. The entire "Pretty Women" sequence (performance, editing, shot selection, etc.) was exceptionally well done.

What did I not like about the movie? The character of Anthony in the movie is a dumb girlie man, which is not an impovement over the stage production's usual casting of the dumb manly man. Also the humor that permeates the stage show, is less evident in the movie. For example, the movie's song/discussion between Sweeney and Mrs. Lovett concerning the meat pie/murder revelation rings somewhat flat and joyless.

What about the singing? Well, the quality of Depp & Company's vocal acumen is appropriate for the film. Nothing to write home about, but it doesn't detract from the movie one bit. You need to make allowances for such things. It's important for these musicals to find people who can act first, sing second. How pretty a lyric is sung means nothing if you're not buying the character or story. And with advanced recording technology and techniques these days, you can pretty much make up for any singer's deficiencies (see any song in the current top 40). Depp & Company weren't required to project their voices the way one would have to for a stage production. For singing, that's half the battle. It's not necessarily the range of high and low notes that gets you. It's the stamina of having to do it repeatedly for a significant and continuous block of time. Your voice is produced by muscles that need constant exercising to perform optimally. Singing is exertion. In fact I would suggest that to be a MLB starting pitcher and a performing singer are very similar in demands on one's stamina. We're talking about a very specific exhausting activity that is segmented to one area of a person's body. For a pitcher, it's an arm. For a singer, it's the vocal cords.

Okay, last point. Sweeney has been traditionally sung by a low baritone/bass voice. Depp has a girlie baritenor/tenor range. It'll be interesting to see how this affects later live productions of Sweeney. Has a precedence been set for casting tenors in a historically deeper toned role? I'm pretty sure I'm the only one who cares!

Year in Review: 2007

2007-12-24T00:47:00.000-08:00

I finished putting together my son's xmas gift, a wooden train set/table combination that will probably take up half his bedroom. I think he'll enjoy it for at least 2 weeks before he moves on to his next childhood obsession. It's been about six months since I last wrote a blog entry.

We made plans this Xmas weekend to visit friends and family, but, as always, life had other plans for us. Two buddies of mine were meeting for our annual Christmas brunch this morning, and I had to bow out of it. Wanted to be there. Desperately wanted to be there. Those two were my lifeline for several years, particularly when my work environment became a tad too political and stressful. We loved riffing off each other and saying whatever offensive thing came to our minds. I will always love them for that . But we had 2 other friends, one recovering from surgery, the other with a new baby, that we also wanted to see. If it was just up to me, I would have found a way to make it work, but it never is.

As it turned out, we ended up not seeing anybody, which is actually a good thing, because my boy spiked an afternoon fever of 101. So now, our family Xmas plans are contingent on how well he feels. Last Xmas, he busted his lip on the neighborhood park jungle gym right before Christmas Eve dinner. The funny thing about his fevers is that he never acts sick. He jumps and climbs just as much when he is well. The only indication of his health is the heat he generates. My wife and I danced this song before, so we're not too worried. However, it never fails that the in-laws scream that we take him out too much, but they're virtual shut-ins who wouldn't know a normal human interaction if it came and spat them in the face, so I can't take them seriously. But they do annoy the heck out of me with that talk. Next time we take him out, I'll bring a video camera to show the in-laws that my son is not the only child who foolishly dares to step outside in this world. I'll play them the tape and spout color commentary.

"See there's a kid. Look, there's another one. She's not even wearing a jacket. See all these kids? Let's count them: one, two, ten, fifteen. Fifteen children! Now are any of them is going to be possessed by demons, just becuz they happen to be outside playing in a neighborhood park? Maybe in Vietnam, but things run a little differently here in America."

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Just watched "It's a Wonderful Life" again on TV. God, I love that movie, but a recent Vanity Fair article illuminated a different spin on this story. So this George guy is always on the verge of following his dreams of travel and adventure, but family, finances, friends and love always seem to rein him back into his stressful, hum-drum small town lifestyle. Now this caring for his fellow man has finally brought him to the brink of financial ruin and probable imprisonment. He starts to fray around the edges and finally cracks, lashing at all the things he percieves to be holding him back. He wishes he was never born and is granted that wish by an angel. Turns out that his life is a wreck, so it can make everyone else's a little bit better. All the dumb crap he had to suffer through actually did make a difference. His life prevented loved ones' miserable predicaments like death, sadness, depression, etc. The man is so stunned by this revelation, that he begs and pleads to have his old life back.

What a chump. He almost got off scott free!!! He was never born, so what did it matter whatever happened to all those other people? He didn't even exist, so there's no blame that can be placed his way. Being a 'nonexistent' person meant that he could now do the traveling and adventuring he could only dream about in his previous life.

BUT NOOOOOOOOOO!!!! He had to weep and puss out. Through some extraordinary circumstance, he made it out of Shawshank and he begged the warden to be placed back in. Damn, I love Hollywood.

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I've been listening to the "Sweeney Todd" and "Company" revival cast albums recently. I've never heard more technologically crisp recordings. Older cast albums sound muddy and echoey compared to these two recent cds. Where I appreciate this the most is in the singing. Singing on the older albums seem more like yelling to me. The advanced technology allows the singers a greater range of volume and complexity. Silences are more precious. Loud passages are that much more emotional and gut-wrenching. Don't know if the singers themselves are better than their predecessors, but I do appreciate the fact I can hear them clearly and distinctly ennunciate Sondheim's lyrics.

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Haven't done art at all. Don't have the headspace in my life right now. If I work on something, I want to be sequestered away at least for a good two hours. Now, the only time I get 5 minutes to myself is during early morning, when my family is asleep. Having to stop every 5 minutes when I'm just working up the creative juices proved to be frustrating, so it's just better to not even start at this point. It sucks, because it is the only thing I feel I'm really good at. It sucks, because I think I still haven't reached my potential. Everything I do now (work, family, etc.) is an ill-equipped struggle to barely skate by. Art was something that gave me power; that gave me a rush. Now I have to bide time.

more more quick random thoughts

2007-07-24T22:11:00.000-07:00

It's 10:30 pm. Time to go to sleep. I want to wake up at 2 this morning to give me enough time to work on an art project before I have to start my day job at 3:30 or 4. The art project is a 20 page comic story about my sister. I've been subconsciously avoiding starting any real concrete work on this thing. Not good when I have a September commitment to have this thing published in an upcoming Filipino literary anthology.

Why the reticence? Why the delay? I guess I'm afraid. I'm afraid of telling my side of the story without giving my sister her fair chance to rebut. I'm afraid of saying things that would hurt the wrong people. I'm afraid of being exploitative of my sister's memory. There's a scene in that Bette Midler movie "Beaches" where she sits by her friend (played by Barbara Hershey) as that friend slowly passes away. Is the attention on her dying friend? No. It's on the heavily filtered Bette angelicly smiling her ass off as Barbara croaks OFF CAMERA slumping on a beach chair. That scene pissed me off. Can you say the words "ego project?" So Bette's reaction to her friend dying is SO MUCH more important than the fact her friend is DYING????

I so do not want to be like Bette Midler in "Beaches".

I think about Kim every day. I want people to know how much of a annoying/resilient/needy/amazing person she was. I want to keep her memory alive, but I feel like I'm doing a poor job of it. My life is such that if I pay attention to one thing, another thing that also needs attention suffers. It could be housework. It could be my wife, son and goddaughter. It could be my dayjob. It could be the stack of dvds and comics collecting dust in my room. It could be my art. It could be the update for my website. It could be the 3 emails from old friends I'd love to respond to but don't have the energy.

I feel more like an adult than ever before. Perhaps it's just that I feel more comfortable with my age than ever before. I constantly think of myself as "40" and publicly call myself an "old" man. I remember how disappointed Kim was with the decisions I made. Settling down for a steady corporate wage and a nice family life in the suburbs. Turning my back on my wildest dreams and aspirations. I remember the subtle look of disdain when I showed her my cubicle or changed my son's diapers. Maybe she was envious. Maybe she wasn't. I do know she commented to more than one person about my lack of ambition. I wished I could have been more like her, but I know there really was no way that would ever happen. I acknowldeged my limits, perhaps a little too well. My sister never did. Her drive left her with an amazing life, but it also lead to her premature death. She could have slowed down, take a break, but there was too much to do and see. She took a bus she shouldn't have. She received several warnings from different sources (human, biological and supernatural) not to do so, but she wouldn't listen. She had to see the rest of Ghana before the end of her vacation. Now she's dead. Kim died being Kim.

more quick random thoughts

2007-06-11T22:46:00.001-07:00

I can't sleep. It's 11 pm and I need to sleep. But I can't sleep.

Here are some pics of my current pastels. Nothing too deep. Just something to excerise (however lightly) the artistic eye. Think 'pop song' as art piece.

Quick thoughts . . .

Sopranos Finale - If you were pissed off by the ending, all I have to say is "what in the hell did you expect?" when has this show EVER given viewers what they wanted or expected? this show is all about unsympthetic blind curveballs that were cleverly foreshadowed seasons before. now i'm not passing judgement on whether it was a decent or effective closing. I'm not even saying it was a good episode. all i'm saying is that if you were expecting a pat ending, then it's obvious you f##ks haven't really been watching the show.
Spider-Man 3 - what's up with that "a husband must put his wife's needs ahead of his own" storyline crap? Was Oprah one of the movie's screenwriters? Am watching a big, dumb popcorn summer flick or a lifetime movie of the week? It's a good thing wifey didn't watch this flick, otherwise she'd pull that "wife's need" card out whenever she wants me to do something i REALLY do not want to do. "Well Spider-Man would have taken out the trash, cuz he would put Mary Jane's needs ahead of his!" Thanks a lot for the relationship advice Spidey! Oh, and now I know, if I every want to be "Bad Kilatzin", all I really need to do is comb down whatever bangs I have left on my balding head and wear some nice black kenneth cole suit. Thanks for the "Evil Primer 101", Spidey!!! Keep that good advice coming.
paris hilton in jail - good.

Assorted junk

2007-02-15T22:09:00.000-08:00

Hey all,

Only have time for a quick post about various things. First off, take a look at my cute baby in the snow!

Went up to Wifey's godparents' cabin up in Big Bear last month, during the last huge snow storm. Here's a view of their house in all its winter glory.

Okay, enough of that crap. I finally figured out I REALLY do not like the snow. But the kids like it and a cabin in Big Bear always provides a nice little weekend getaway option. I've become such a "bougie" it sickens me.

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Uh, what else? Nothing deep in my blog this time around. Busy time this year. Works been kicking my ass schedule wise. Times past, I would get up at 3 in the morn to do art. Now I get up at 3 in the morn to do actual work!!! Ugh. Then I wake up the wifey and kid around 5:30-6ish. We all leave between 6:30 to 7ish to get to work by 8. I work til 3, pick up baby between 4-4:30, get home around 5, feed baby at 6, bath at 7:30, put him down to sleep at 9, get up at 3, and the cycle continues ever onward. It only sucks if I get sick, like last weekend. Throws the whole schedule off. Baby thinks I'm ignoring him and responds in kind when I get well. Vengeful little snot.

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This weekend is Vietnamese New Year, which in my mind is really "Chinese New Year 'Lite with one calorie'". Yeah, I said it. Call a spade a spade people!!!! It doesn't matter if you put pastrami meat or cheesesteak meat on a burger patty, it's still a damn burger!!! In the span of 4 hours, Wifey's family has to caravan to about 4 different temples to visit her grandparents' ashes!!! And guess who has to drive them around in the minivan???? I'll give you a little hint: he's the one who's NOT Buddhist and will have to eat the temple vegetarian food that will give him the runs!!!

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Then next week the family is flying to Orlando so wifey can attend a conference and visit with her two best friends! One was her 'maid of honor' and the other is the "will" to wifey's "grace." We'll be staying at "will's" house. Here's the question that should be burning in everyone's mind: how long will it take before my baby boy stumbles upon some gay porn dvd or male-enhancement drug stash tucked away in some discrete bedroom drawer??

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Good news for the schoolboys!!! Eddie Murphy's Delirious is finally on DVD. That's right. The classic stand-up video is back! Now all the little kiddies can understand why us old-timers are so disappointed in Eddie Murphy. This man was Comedy God! But that was a long time ago. Oh how the mighty have aged.

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Excelsior!!!!

Why art?

2007-02-11T15:18:00.000-08:00

I occassionally get these emails from art students having to do an assignment that involves an interview with an active, living artist. My best guess is that they probably catch my website (www.kilatzin.com) from a Google search. I hate to disappoint them; if anything, I go out of my way to make my art an avocation rather than a vocation.

I've had to learn some harsh lessons about how money and business can change or corrupt the thing you love. I do my best, given the current constraints of my lifestyle . . . well, at least I did until the thing with my sister. Now I'm more or less focused on caring for the family. But when baby gets older I will get back to art. Until then, here's a recent list of questions a student sent me, with my corresponding answers.

1. Why are you an artist?

I’m an artist because:

I have a talent for it

I get a kick out of doing it

It's hard to see myself doing anything else

I'm weird

The strange thing is that I don't consider myself too artsy-fartsy. I don't have many friends who are into the arts of any kind. I've tried to get into different artist circles/groups, but have always found it a little disappointing/unsatisfying. I'm too "normal" for the artsy-fartsy, avant-garde crowd, but too "artsy-fartsy" for the normal, arts & crafts crowd. It's something I'm still trying to get my head around. I'll probably make another attempt to integrate with some hopefully, like-minded individuals. I need to find some sort of support group out there. We'll see.

2. Could you tell me some more about your paintings?

Icnonographic, expressionist (verging on the garish) color studies. The older I get, the less garish I paint.

3. Where do you see painting today?

Painting is whatever the hell you want it be: big business or personal odyssey. For most people, it is a background art form that subtly influences movies, television, graphic design and music.

4. Do you think that the fine artist will survive as technology replaces our skills?

The fine artist will adapt and use whatever technology is at his/her reach. While the use of older technologies may diminish as new ones are developed, they never completely go away. The philosophies and purposes behind those technologies will change. Part of the fun, for some artists, is exploring how it’ll change. There are artists that are still expressing themselves through woodcuts that are as vibrant as anything else you’d find out there. Formats and tools will always be in flux. Creativity is forever.

For example, I prefer to work in oils, but have adapted to use computers (photoshop in particular) for creating preliminary sketches or compositions. Also, any artist who is not taking advantage of the Internet's promotional opportunities is at doing him/herself a grave disservice.

Look at it another way. The automobile hasn’t obliterated horseback riding. Photography hasn’t obliterated fine painting. Artists have had to respond to the challenge that photography posed: “now that there’s a better way to capturing visual reality, what’s the purpose of painting?”

5. Which artists have influenced you, and how?

The artists that get to me every time are Matisse and Chagall. At their best, both are marked by their deceptively simple uses of primary colors. I would compare them to blues musicians or haiku poets who work in very constrictive set of rules and somehow manage to pull off something brilliant. I'd like to get there someday.

As far as more modern artists are concerned: I have a liking for Gilbert & George, Clemente and David LaChapelle.

6. What other interests do have (besides painting)?

I start off as a somewhat normal American male. Watch football, basketball and love grilling steak on the barbeque. Then, after a couple of blocks, I venture "hard right" into geekdom with a predilection for Superman, bacon and Stephen Sondheim. I used to sing, perform and write songs, but lost my taste for it long ago. I try to keep up with pop culture and non-fiction books, but family life precedes everything. And I do mean everything.

7. What inspires you to paint and how do you keep motivated when things get tough in the studio?

There are always going to be rough patches. You need this blind faith or confidence in your abilities to know that even your failures will be interesting and instructive. Every experience will help you out in the long run. Not only that, the failures will provide depth and context to your body of work. Every musician, every actor, every director, every athlete has faced failure. Why should it be any different for you?

8. How have you handled the business side of being an artist?

I’ve made a conscious decision to not immerse myself in the business side. I paint for the "kick". When money comes into the picture, then matters muddy quite a bit. Money brings you legitimacy, but it also binds you into certain expectations. If you don't meet those expectations, then there will be hell to pay. I've had good and bad experiences, enough to give myself the luxury to seek out projects that provide a creative "spark" and rule out ones that don't. I also know that to be truly successful, you've got to have someone schlep your wares to the nth degree. Most of the time, that role falls on you. I know it's part of the game, but I have a little distaste for it. That being said, I have no qualms about selling myself out like a cheap two-dollar whore when it comes time to accumulate the several hundreds of dollars I need to attend the San Diego comic con. Daddy needs that $4000 life-sized Superman statue.

9. Where do you see yourself in 10 years?

In 10 years, I hope to still be a happily married family man. Everything else is in flux.

10. Could you talk about your latest series of paintings and what you aretrying to achieve with them?

I've been doing commissions for people the last couple of years. No time for anything else really. I do have some sketches I'd like to develop into actual paintings. They revolve around my feelings towards my sister and brother. I want to convey some sense of my relationship with them, without actually calling out anything specific. My style has also been more subtle, more iconic, more abstract, more subdued. Let's see how that plays out.

11. As an artist, how do you contribute in the society?

Hell, I don't know. I'm just trying to do what I do. If someone likes it, cool. If someone doesn't, oh well. But it's taking all my energy maintaining a normal suburban lifestyle and adding my art on top of it. I don't have the luxury to think about something like that.

12. How hard/easy it is to organize an exhibit event?

Organizing an event is a damned hard thing to do. If everything works out alright, then it's the most satisfying feeling in the world. If it's a failure, then you feel like a heel. Just know that it'll take a lot of time, smarts, help, luck and elbow grease to organize ANY event . . . whether it's a party, a wedding, a play or an exhibit.

13. Should arts be used as a tool to address social and political issue?

Sure. Why not? But don't assume that you addressing something is a guarantee that someone will listen. It's not, but at the very least, you've put it out there.

13. And my last question is what advice would you give to an artist just starting out?

This advice actually applies to everything in life: Anyone who starts any career in the arts must ask themselves if they can picture doing anything else. Do you have the desire to continue when things don’t necessarily work out as planned? Just make sure this is something you really want to do. You can make a very comfortable living for yourself doing something else. Don’t do it for the money. Do it because you NEED to do it. You should also ask yourself how far you want to take this. What are you willing to sacrifice for it: a nice car, a stable family environment, etc? You can have it all, but it’s a tough balancing act.

Year in Review: 2006

2006-11-10T13:53:00.000-08:00

Hello Everyone,

I know it might seem a little early for a year in review blog, but there's only about 5 or so weeks left in 2006. Unless something really amazing happens in that short span, I pretty much have a good handle on an assessment of this year.

2006 sucked. Sucked huge donkey balls. Huge pus-filled boil-covered donkey testes.

I don't want to go for a pity or a "whoa is me, look at my horrible life" angle. I don't want to glamorize this year as some epic struggle. However, I do feel very justified in saying that I've had better years. Empirically, how can I even pretend that it was wonderful and great? "Boy, I can't wait to do that again!" It sucked. No question. I thought 1995 sucked royally. Hoo boy, not compared to 2006. Wow.

I will say that the suckiness has one common thread (and a somewhat fortunate one I guess) : I wasn't affected by it firsthand, but it definitely happened to those close around me.

Let's get the obvious stomach blow out of the way: my sister dying. Here's something of a disclaimer: I wrote two long paragraphs in this blog about the affect her death had on me personally, but I went ahead and deleted them. Why? I'm having trouble finding the right words to articulate this grief. Life has gone on in blazing speed around me and I haven't had a chance to catch a breath. The public mourning has come and gone. That I had a better handle with. That I could view as a job that needed to be done, and I approached it with a level of comfortable detachment. Now, I'm left with my own thoughts and they aren't pretty and light, that's for sure. Outwardly, I'm chugging along, but inwardly i'm barely treading water. I can't describe it any better than that and not seem maudlin, sentimental, self-serving . . . it's just that things have changed . . . i can't clearly communicate how though . . . maybe it's too soon to say anything.

My wife's cousin died of stomach cancer earlier this year, leaving behind 4 children, one of them only several months old. She was a baby making machine and surprisingly, it was the babies that have kept her alive that long. Once the kids were born though, the cancer had room to take over. She wasn't my favorite person . . . well actually it's her husband that I had the HUGE problem with, but as a couple, they were a fundamentalist, born-again Catholic couple who steadfastly devoted their lives to the Church and were aghast that I was a lapsed Catholic. They tried to convert me back to the old ways, and were appalled when I declined their offer. So much so, her husband and I argued over the color of smoke that's released before and after a new pope is chosen. That was a new low in pettiness from a man who wallows in such trivial quagmire.

On top of that: my mother, brother and mother-in-law all had extensive, multiple-day emergency room/hospital stays for various ailments. Wifey also has somewhat debilitating back trouble, prompting me to broker a semi-unofficial part-time work from home arrangement with my employer. I get to stay at home and play a larger role in baby’s care. Wifey gets the time and space she needs to get better. I worry about her constantly.

My goddaughter has already hit double digits in age. I worry about her education and the fear we're not doing enough to help her. I've started talking "old man" to her, trying to prepare her for life as a teenager and an adult without seeming too paranoid or pessimistic. My son is growing up. The boy is just too damn cute for words. He’s already hoarding his fruit the way I treasure my bacon and steak. It’s very heartwarming to see how some traits get passed down in surprisingly different ways. “The son becomes the father, and the father becomes the son” type of thing. And that was your obligatory Superman reference. Things remain the same, but different. Beyond that, life is relatively stable: I have a wonderful family, a nice home, a comfortable lifestyle we can afford. My life is something I dreamed of having, but never thought I would be lucky enough to actually get.

So perhaps it wasn't a good or a bad year. Maybe it's just life.

Eulogy

2006-09-03T03:48:00.000-07:00

Kimberly Rosario Perez
1976-2006

Hello, I’m Kim’s brother.

My memories of my baby sister are different than most. At times, I believed the two of us were incredibly close, as bonded to one another as a brother and sister could possibly be. Then there were other times that both of us felt a deep, almost impenetrable, divide from one another, wondering if our lives would ever allow us to find a way to reconcile. Throughout the good and bad times, I have never lost my admiration, my pride and my love for the amazing woman Kim became. And believe me, she was amazing.

I remember Kim as a baby. Her childhood name was “Kimby”. “Kimby” was the baby girl, the only girl, the apple-of-my-father’s eye. She was as cute as a button. Everyone loved her. Everyone protected her. She was the center of attention. Being the baby girl was something that “Kimby” initially cherished, but it was a role that she eventually outgrew. “Kimby” was a role she could no longer play. During her middle school years, she began to gently, but resolutely, inform us that she was now to be called “Kim.” We all laughed at first, but she eventually wore us down. She made her first stab at independence, her first step towards maturity.

I remember Kim as a teenager. For me, Kim’s teenaged years were marked by the death of her childhood friend Frances. She was deeply and profoundly affected by Frances’ passing. I was somewhat surprised when I brought the subject of Frances up to friends that knew Kim after high school. It seems that Kim only mentioned Frances briefly, in passing. But I was there. I saw how devastated Kim was by Frances’ death. I know the pain and struggle Kim went through in coming to terms with it, dealing with it. The fact that someone as open and honest as Kim, would be so silent about such an important subject, spoke volumes about how Frances’ death affected her.

Through her death, Frances taught Kim her most important lesson: that life is precious, that life is fragile. Life is to be experienced and enjoyed. Life was meant to make a difference. Frances’ lesson guided Kim throughout the rest of her life and travels. Frances was the foundation that underlayed my sister’s amazing life.

Collectively, as a family, we had a difficult time understanding why Kim felt so compelled to live the life she did. She would tell us stories of her travels. She would show us pictures of the many friends she made. But we were selfish. We wanted to see so much more of her. We wanted her home.

However, Kim’s thirst for life lead to her compassion for the lives of others, and finally brought her to action; to take that compassion and to use it to for the betterment of her fellow human beings. At the expense of stability, at the expense of settling down and raising a family, at the expense of her own safety, Kim found fulfillment. She found happiness.

The overwhelming number of condolences my family has received these past two weeks, the phone calls, emails and visits from all around the globe, has finally connected us to the many lives that she’s touched, to all the good that’s she done. We understand now Kim. We get it. We are so proud of you.

As Kim used Frances’ death to spark her own life’s journey, it is important that we transform the shock and grief of Kim’s passing into something positive. Something lasting. I believe that the best way to memorialize my sister, the best way to honor her memory is to do something a little brave. Do something a little foolhardy. Do something a little unpredictable. Do something a little fragile. Do something a little amazing.

Do something that Kim would do.

"I would apologize,
If I could see your eyes.
Because when you showed me myself
I became someone else.
But I was caught in between
all you wished for and all you need.
Maybe you're not even sure what it's for,
anymore than me.

May God's love be with you."

Sister

2006-08-17T05:07:00.000-07:00

This will be my last post for awhile. The US consulate has informed my family that my sister has passed away in a bus accident while vacationing in Ghana. We're still in the middle of trying to find her and bring her back to the states. I dug up this old cartoon I made about her. You should be able to click on the thumbnail to view a larger version.

Random thoughts, random entry july edition

2006-06-27T19:41:00.000-07:00

Hello everyone. I want to start off with something I found at my parents' house last week. Will wonders ever cease?

I suppose you can view this as another sign of the coming of the apocalypse. I tend to view this as the answer to my half-assed diet prayers! Who can eat a whole CAN of SPAM? Sometimes just a little SPAM will do. And this comes pre-sliced, with much less clear jelly goo!

All you need to do to enjoy this wonderful feast is to ignore the oh-so-annoying nutrition label, which i believe in this case was designed to spoil my fun!

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Speaking of "spoiling my fun . . . "

Superman Movie Thoughts

Okay, so the other shoe has dropped. The Superman movie has finally come out and already people have started baiting me with fighting words. One person who saw it said to my face that he found it "uninspiring, directionless, and plodding." Of course, I could to the same adjectives to describe that aforementioned old fogey with his constant reminiscing about events that happened thirty or forty years ago, but that would be too easy. He's entitled to his opinion and I can see how he would view the movie that way. It's not a perfect movie by any stretch of the imagination.

However, a blog buddy, near and dear to all our hearts, wrote:

"one of bert's co-workers saw it the other day and proclaimed it the worst movie EVER.

pretty harsh for a guy that pretty much likes anything."

like a dagger to the heart.

Really? The "co-worker" likes pretty much anything? So this "person" would place that 80s gymnastics film with Mitch Gaylord and Janet Jones, late Woody Allen films like "Shadows and Fog" and "Husband and Wives" and any Pauly Shore or Yahoo Serious movie behind "Superman Returns" as the worst movie EVER. This person will eat every piece of sh***y filmmaking on STARZ, Showtime, USA, ABC Family, Nickelodeon or Lifetime, but "Superman" is the one line "he/she" won't cross, huh? I mean, if this "co-worker" went to Blockbuster or Hollywood Video, you're telling me that this person would be HARD PRESSED to find something WORSE than "Superman Returns?"

Okay. I guess I'll have to say that "co-worker" has the WORST TASTE IN MOVIES EVER.

I have heard all manners of positive and negatives opinions about the movie, and I can understand where most of them are coming from. The movie is too long; some scenes i thought lasted much longer than they should have. I can understand why some people would find it extremely slow and boring. The casting is a little off. Kate Bosworth as Lois Lane seemed too young to be an experienced Pulitzer Prize winning report/mommy. Brandon Routh lacks the charisma and humor that Christoper Reeve brought to the role. This was underscored by the fact that he looks AND sounds like Christopher Reeve. To be THE SUPERHERO you gotta have this presence, kinda like Reagan or Clinton . . . full of authority tempered with a whole bunch of charm. The movie, in general, takes itself a little too seriously and is not as joyful as you think it would be.

So it's not a perfect movie by any stretch of the imagination.

But here's what the movie gets right . . . it translates from the comic to the big screen what I think is so cool about Superman.

First thing, it provides a proper sense of scale to the character. By that I mean, he doesn't really punch out bad guys in this film . . . that's kind of small potatoes in this day and age . . . any fool superhero can do that. Leave that small scale crap to Batman. Supes tackles the kind of problems that only he can deal with like: stopping a falling jet, lifting a sunken yacht, catching a giant statue in midair, blowing out an entire house fire, carrying of an entire ISLAND!!!! The movie does a VERY good job of showing how monumental it is to have one man, one lone tiny figure against an immense backdrop, handle these impossible tasks. The focus is never really on Superman in these situations. The movie takes its time in setting up the dangers, showing everyone what's at stake in every sequence. Just when things seem bleakest and beyond hope, that's when you see that the only thing that could avert certain disaster would be Superman.

Second thing, the movie does a VERY good job of displaying the selfless heroism of the character. By that I mean, just because you have this immense power, doesn't mean it allows you to be lazy or soft. Supes gets put through the wringer in this film. He gets a monumental beatdown. He gets brutalized . . . almost tortured. When push comes to shove, Superman does the right thing no matter what it might cost him. None of this Spider-Man wishy washy dilly dallying about his purpose. He knows what needs to be done AND more importantly, does it.

In the film, Luthor accuses Supes of being selfish and not sharing his power with the rest of the world. What Luthor views as sharing is actually imposition, forcing others to acquiesce to your will. Luthor's view of power is fascist. Superman is about restraint . . . about not forcing your will on the situation unless it's absolutely necessary. The film shows the scary and destructive potential that anything from Krypton would have on Earth: the technology, the island, even the child who accidently kills a henchmen . . . but never once do you see that in Superman. And that's what I love about the character . . . the sense of restraint for the greater good. Logically, having a being with the power of Superman is a very scary proposition. Think of the bad shit that COULD happen with such a powerful being and the fact that the character shies away, even revulsed by the possibilty is incredible.

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Alright, that diatribe went WAY off the deep end.

See the movie. Don't see the movie. What do I care? The damage has already been done. The movie had made its major money and it looks like the clear public choice is that Pirates movie anyway.

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Other quick movie points:

A co-worker of mine, who saw the film, commented that Supes was a borderlline stalker throughout it . . . using x-ray vision and superhearing to sneak a peak at Lois . . . flying in the middle of the night to catch a peek at the child . . . I told him that any love worth having is a love worth stalking. Most of what Superman did in the film, we could do with some night vision goggles, audio surviellance equipment, motion detectors . . . just another incident why people at work find me strange

My mind kept drawing a parallel to Superman's leaving for Krypton without telling Lois and Dave Chappelle's leaving for Africa without telling his wife. Who was more pissed . . . Lois or Chappelle's wife?
What kind of a world is it where my mother gets to see the new Superman movie before I do? Not only see it, but also publicly stating that she LIKED it!!! ugh. This is the woman that hid my comics in box under heavy box in her closet. I would have to wait til she left the house, go in there and rummage through my collection like i was a perv, mining for a taste of banned dirty magazines or dvds.

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On to Other Things

My one year old son has a MAJOR "Dora the Explorer" obsession. I think it's either because he's really into Dora as a chick and he REALLY LIKES chicks, or he's gay and he views Dora as the ultimate "fag hag." Don't want him to be gay for the simple reason I'm selfish and I want grandkids. Let his children torture him the way he's currently torturing mommy and i . . . the way I tortured my father and mother. Oh, that would be SOOOOO sweet.

Warning to those who'll attend Comicon in San Diego this year . . . Triumph the Insult Comic Dog might stalk the convention to rip us nerds a new one! The man behind the puppet, Robert Smigel, is doing a Friday night presentation and I can't imagine him passing on such a plum comedic cherry as Comicon.

Random Thoughts, Random Entry

2006-05-12T05:09:00.000-07:00

The general media has been "pussyfooting" around this unspoden issue, but I'm glad the advocate has went ahead and bluntly stated the obvious. This Brandon Routh dude is probably the most femme Superman I've ever seen. The only way this guy can look more girly is if he was immortalized as a barbie doll. Oh wait, that's already happened.

Hopefully, this shouldn't detract too much from the movie. I guess it's safe to say that I'm geeking out about as much as
any fanboy would be. However, it doesn't help matters when the director and Kevin Spacey have also been hit with the 'in-the-closet' accusations. Kinda like a trifecta of gay innuendos if you will.

Regardless . . .

Saw the new movie trailer before going to sleep the other night. There was so much adrenaline pumping through my veins, I couldn't sleep for another 3 hours. Wifey told me with a finality I've never heard in her voice after 5 years of marriage, "you are such a nerd."

And I am. I can't help it. At this age, very little gets the blood pumping anymore . . . it's too damned hard to muster up the energy when it's being diverted to domestic or corporate duties. Watching the trailer made me feel like a kid again.

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At wifey's behest, I relented to another pedicure. This time I brought my galpal J with me, in the vain hope that this would somehow make the experience less 'gay.' She would be the 'Gayle' to my 'Oprah.' Just that statement alone should predict the utter failure of my pathetic attempt to divert my pedicure's 'femme-ness'. I started feeling like mario cantone in a scene from 'Sex and the City', all chatty and catty. At least i didn't feel like that nerdy bald guy with the glasses.

Two reasons I brought j. One) She's probably the best 'work' friend I've ever had. I would even go so far as to consider her a 'cousin.' I've had just as close relationships with other coworkers, but never as long as J. I've known the girl for 10 years!!! She KNOWS me and my bullshit!!! I can let my guard down and be myself around her at work, and trust me, that is a VERY valuable commodity. Especially when you're trapped in the uptight, look over your shoulder corporate world. Two) I suspect she's a dude who had a gender reorientation. She's a good lookin' gal who LOVES comic books, sci fi and basketball (even though her fav team is the Spurs)!!! It's like reality TV "Weird Science"! I'm not the only one; most guys at work think she's really a dude.

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Taking some time off from my creative pursuits. Still have to get my room back into shape from our house remodeling initiative two months ago. To my left are eight bankers boxes that currently house the 'T' - 'Z' of my regularly sized graphic novel collection. In the garage are another nine boxes with my oversized graphic novels, art/graphic design books and the rest of my library. Designed some backgrounds for a children's theatre group production two weeks ago in the Lyceum Theatre at Horton Plaza. These were projected on a 14' x 9' screen; large enough for the actors to play in front, around and behind. I'll post up something on my art website when I have a chance. Actually, that'll be my first project . . . updating the damn site with a whole bunch of crap. But first, I'll need to survive Mother's Day.

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Current Listening To:

70's Stevie Wonder. Nothing tops Seventies Stevie. Seventies Stevie is so good he gets a "Get out of jail free" card for the rest of his artistic life. It doesn't matter if his material since the mid 80s has not up-to-par with his Seventies output. That's like getting mad at Einstein for not coming up with anything as good as his theory of special relativity and his thoughts on the fabric of space/time. I mean who cares if he had a problem with quantum mechanics? Dude gets a pass. That's like getting mad at Gretzky over his wife's gambling scandal. Who cares . . . the dude gets a pass. Who cares if OJ murdered his . . . oh wait . . . strike that. No pass.

Howard Stern Is My Oprah

2006-04-25T21:16:00.000-07:00

I've been out for some time. A lot has happened . . . new flooring, rest of the house has been painted (my books and dollies are still boxed up in the garage), wife traveled to houston, wife's cousin passed away, went on a family cruise, working on a set design for a play that's opening this weekend, some work projects are finally coming to fruition, wedding anniversary coming up, baby turning one and walking, etc. etc. blah blah blah.

i was going to write separate blogs detailing different aspects of the above paragraph, but I'm exhausted and want to move away from all that for a sec. Besides, I have something of relative import to disclose; I recently was humbled by a self revelation that really shouldn't be to anyone who knows me:

Howard Stern is my Oprah.

I always used to snicker at those who followed the cult of Oprah. "Those" who will read a book JUST BECAUSE Oprah says it's a good read. "Those" who will scream and yell in spiritual convulsions over Oprah throwing them a key to a new car or some diamond bracelets. Yes, some of "those" I even actually work with (hard to avoid when you work in a department that's 80% female.) I always felt that somehow I was above their station, superior over their pathetic lot in life.

So I'm listening to Stern and the subject of "Brokeback Mountain" came up. Like most straight males, I had NO interest in watching this. A serious dramatic story about two gay cowboys? I would much rather watch an unbroken string of holocaust documentaries than subject myself to that. It's not revulsion; it's just that there are other ways I'd rather fill up my time. Like listening to Stern.

Well anyway, mix "Brokeback" and Stern together and what do you get? A comedy souffle!! Just watch that sucker bake to a golden brown!!! And that's how it was for several months. Then Stern admitted that the night before he watched "Brokeback" as a goof, something to watch for 5 minutes and turn off. But he didn't. He stayed till the end and went as far as to say this was one of the best movies he has ever seen.

Now picture my head blowing. My "master" has said it's okay to watch Brokeback Mountain. A second was all it takes for a film I was FIRM against watching to become a undisputedly valid work of art. And so, if given the opportunity, I will probably watch Brokeback. Now I won't go out to Blockbuster or log on to Netfilx or shop at Wal Mart for this movie, but if someone has a copy, then I would consider watching it.

And that, my friends, is the hold Stern has over my life.

It drives my wife nuts. It is probably the most aggravating thorn in her side. I can see the pain her in face every time I bring the man's name up. If she has to listen to him for more than two minutes, she'll get violently ill. My Superman obsession she can take. My Prince obsession she tolerates. Stern is the line she will not cross. Stern is the land she will not travel to. Stern is evil. Stern is the devil.

So, in reality, I'm not any different from the Oprahetes or any other cult devotees. I suffer from that same zeal.

life update

2006-03-28T12:27:00.000-08:00

well my son's first birthday was this weekend. we celebrated with a small celebration . . well for us it was small . . . about 20 or so people. It's funny, I've always considered myself relatively anti-social, but we keep throwing these shindigs. i can hear y'all saying "WAAAHHH!!! I'm a big baby cuz my life is so sad cuz we throw relatively big parties and I'm anti-social. WAAAHHH!!!!"

Okay, okay . . . point taken. The one thing I've learned about throwing these things is that good food is definitely 3/4ths of the battle. AND the second thing I've learned is always have more than you need . . . nothing ruins a good party more than running out of food.

It was nice to have lotus, shogun, canine, whitey ford and the child there. I don't get to hang with them all that much these days, so I learn to savor the moments i do get. although ronin and hotfudge gave their condolences, their generous present was much appreciated. they do have good taste in gifts, that pair sure do.

Now's the part of the blog entry where longtime parents will go "no s##t sherlock." I can't believe it's been a year with my son. The boy has grown and changed so much, I find myself holding him tighter now than I ever did, because I know this going to end some day. The best feeling in the world right now is to have him walk to me, hold up his arms for me to carry him, and hear that sigh of contentment coming out of his mouth as he places his head on my shoulder. Look at me, I'm getting all "Dick Vermeil" on this blog . . . (for non-American Football fans, Dick Vermeil is a VERY successful coach who is notorious for spontaneous crying at press conferences and interviews . . . that explanation took a long time . . . was it even worth mentioning it?)

But I know it's gonna end one day. He'll grow up and be too hairy for me to hold him. the stuble on his beard will scratch up my shoulder something fierce. I've known on an intellectual level the fleetingness of my son's "babydom" but I really am starting to emotionally internalize this. It will be different not too far in the future.

Something happened yesterday that underscored this more than ever . . . my wife's cousin passed away, a victim of stomach cancer. She was a mother of four, with the youngest being several months younger than my son. i can't say i was close to her . . . hell, the week and a half i spent with her and her husband was horrendous for both sides. (more on that in a eulogy blog coming up after this one). but she and my wife grew up together. she was family. she was a little younger than us. it's a little strange and very tragic . . . the family deaths, until now, were people in their golden years. logistically, estate and emotional matters were simpler to handle. now there's a husband, kids, mortgages, expenses, future plans . . . what's going to happen to them? Not to belabor the point, but I didn't get along with the husband, so screw him and his closeminded ass, but what about his kids?

this question ties into a concern wifey and i have had for awhile. if we both should die, who gets the baby? this tied into our search for a godparent. idealistically, we would want a godparnet to be what we are to our goddaughter . . . literally a second set of parents, as involved and invested as we can be in this girl's life. we haven't found that person for the baby; someone who could fill his material and emotional needs. we named his aunt 'godmother' by default. not to say she doesn't love the baby, but she's definitely not involved in his life the way we are with our goddaughter. she's acts more like an aunt, which she is, but we wanted more from her and so far, she hasn't been willing to give it.

i don't know. maybe this person will fall unto our laps one day. it was that way with our goddaughter. no one asked us outright . . . we just stumbled into it. before you know it, we fell in love with this girl. maybe it'll happen for baby one day. maybe.

well, enough of that. next up: a return to the angry clark. i swear.

f##kers.

some random thoughts

2006-03-22T20:53:00.000-08:00

Now while my wife rocks the baby to sleep, I've got a spare moment to finally jot down some thoughts that have been burning my mental square acreage . . .

This Apple Vs. PC thing is OLD AND TIRED

So I thought that this was pretty much a dead issue . . . I mean it's 2006 already. Hasn't the world already moved on? Apparently not . . . seems this issue tends to rear it's ugly head every month or so among my coworkers. You know, the ipod comes up as a topic every so often, which eventually leads to discussions about the Mac OS. The great majority of coworkers (being PC heads) either openly scoff, expressively roll their eyes or look like they just smelled a turd. Then the graphic designer, a lone standard bearer with a predestined blind allegiance to all things Apple, jumps into the fray, bravely defending the Mac like it was her family's coat of arms.

Okay, y'all need to get a grip. First off, WE'RE TALKING ABOUT STUPID COMPUTERS!!!! The kind of fervor that froths up from both camps should be reserved for one's spouse, children, family or country . . . NOT A FREAKING PRODUCT!!!!! A computer is a tool. You can have a preference for one tool over another, just don't act like that this tool gave birth to your first born child. And this also goes double for those COKE VS. PEPSI acolytes. IT'S FREAKING SODA!!!! You're going to war over CARBONATED COLORED SUGAR WATER!!!!

Okay some quick perspective here . . . the MAC OS was built to be a product; something to work as elegantly and as hassle-free as a microwave oven. Creative types usually, but not always, want to know their tool's capabilities. Knowing what the tool can or can't do frees them up to actually start being creative. The PC OS (Windows, Linux, etc.) is more like a blank slate, a universe of possibilities that a user controls through language. If there is a need, then be assured that 80 different programmers will write up 299 different sofware to fill that need.

I'm already spending too long on this. So to cut to the chase, and for full disclosure, I'm a Mac agnostic. I'll prefer to use the Mac, but if someone offers me a free PC with all the bells and whistle I require, I would be stupid not to take it. And for those of you religious freako "MACAZOIDS" out there who would call me a traitor . . . why in the hell should I show loyalty to something I GIVE MY HARD EARNED MONEY TO? Apple should be loyal to ME, not the other way around. The only reason they're in business is because enough people are convinced that their product has value. The minute they don't (it sure seemed that way in the mid 90's) I'm outta here. The ipod saved that company's ass, no matter how good their OS is. Cuz the simple truth is that any PC based OS is good enough to live with. It does the job. Maybe not as cleanly, maybe not as elegantly, but it will do what the MAC does. And at much better prices too.

What's cool to a 25 year old, will just be pathetic when he hits 35

Act your age people. Realize your limitations. This is just another variation on 'the old man at the club' Chris Rock joke. Move on people. Leave the throwing-up-in-the-morning-at-a-dumpster-just-caught-syphillis-from-my-skanky-one-night-stand activities to the young. They can take the hit. They've got the time and energy to make up for it. A 35 year old guy trying to act like a 25 year old cool guy has the danger of just looking pathetic and worn out. It's called the 'circle of life' for a reason.

AND YES, I KNOW I'M THE GUY WHO COLLECTS SUPERMAN DOLLIES, but I don't let it interfere with my real adult life . . . there are boundaries you do not cross . . . learn them.

And speaking of Superman . . . is it me or does the actor in the new Superman movie look a little gay?

I mean, the Superman costume is not the most macho thing to begin with, but the new Superman looks like some ballet dancer or ice skater prancing around all delicate and shit. I want my Superman to look somewhat more manly. I mean Chris Reeves never looked gay to me and that 70s outfit of his is a quicksand trap of gayness. I'll hold final judgement until the movie comes out, but I'm a little worried here.

That's all I got for now. Time to go to sleep.

A crazy person's prison cell . . .

2006-01-26T06:45:00.000-08:00

Since Mulysa was so keen on seeing my Superman dollies, here's a quick snippet . . .

The huge one in the center is of course my favorite. Given by Wifey back in 98. A sign of **TRUE LOVE***. Looked all so lonesome by itself, so naturally I had to buy others to keep it company. To the left of this picture would be my other DC Superheroes. To the upper right are my Marvel and other associated figures. Space is always an issue. I might have to build some shelves on the wall with the paintings for more dolly space. Plus, the size of my graphic novel collection shows no sign of slowing down. So I have to account for that space. The life of a geek with money . . . ugh.

Let's call a 'baby' a spade

2006-01-25T10:02:00.000-08:00

So there's another baby wave at my workplace. And with that wave comes the unavoidable 'oh-so-happy-billowy-clouds-puppy dogs and ribbons-sweetness and light' goo goo talk that permeates every overheard hallway/lunchroom conversation.

ugh.

this is why i shut out the world with my ipod. there's no denying it. i'm a misanthrope.

now, for full disclosure, i too am subject to this talk . . . having a baby and all tends to do that to ya . . . but at least i can step back and think about the messiness which seems to be the 'elephant in the room that everyone ignores' in this process. Giving birth is a painful , messy matter. Everyone seems to deny this essential part of birth and frankly i get disgusted by it. It hypocritical and i think we should all get real about this life event.

i mean was it all sweetness and light during the conception too? NO. My guess is there was a lot of grunting, much "oh, oh, oh"ing, maybe a head banging against a headboard and the repeated sound of of a wet boot caught in the mud (kudos to comedian Dave Attell for that metaphor).

Does anyone remember that?

Signs I'm getting old . . .

2006-01-20T14:40:00.000-08:00

I'm actually very happy that the Mira Mesa Toys 'R Us store is converting into a Babies 'R Us store. This means I can get valuable supplies for my baby and future baby showers without having to trek out to San Marcos!

The prospect of a new Prince album and tour doesn't exactly thrill me. My current lack of energy for things not worthy plays a big part into this. Don't get me wrong, I'll still get the new album and bitch if I end up with ONLY second row seats at his concerts. However, the fact of the matter is that his best music is behind him. His newest musical output hasn't lit under my cockles like they used to.

My younger cousins are approaching their thirties. Damn, I knew these kids when they were still sh#t##g in their poopie diapers. Now they're going for graduate degrees and buying ME liquor? Dammmnn.

I'm listening to more house / electronica music then ever before Don't have the brainpower anymore to think about what I'm listening to. I prefer my music to be in the background these days. Basically I want my life to feel like I'm driving in a car commercial.

Screg is actually shopping in the men's section. Time has taken away one of my more reliable comedic staples. My saying: "When in doubt, take the 'Scregie shops in boys' section' bit out!" Sorry Screg, but you're taking way too long with that 'raw vs. rare' blog and i'm desparate!! I'll take it out the moment your blog appears . . . I promise!!!!

2006-01-15T23:53:00.000-08:00

this just in . . . i peed clear this morning, then had 3 cups of coffee and consequently peed mountain dew yellow.

that is all.

i'm tired but productive and boring

2006-01-15T23:15:00.000-08:00

i should be asleep. i get to drive the baby to two different medical appointments tomorrow. driving down to sd in the morning and 9 month shots in the afternoon. yum! yum! however, i've spent two precious hours tonight on 'me' time. this night's project is making some progress on a large-scale update of my art website: adding new photos and comics, rethinking some designs, debating whether i should add some closeup details of art, wondering if i should continue to use popups, figuring out the best way to include / link to this blog on my site . . . things like that. this update realistically won't see the light of day until 3 or 4 months from now. hopefully, i'll have some time tomorrow to work on a blog strip i want to include for the update and some photoshop color comps for the next door neighbor's painting commission.

i've slowly been warning wifey about the time commitment involved with the play i'll be working on next month. i've told the director that i probably won't be able to come down to san diego often, but he seems fine with email contact and ftp file uploads. i have the well founded fear that i've bitten off more than I can chew, but this could be a real cool thing if everything goes right. the last time i was involved with set design was back in 2000; i'm eager to get back into it. imagine my wild and crazy color sensiblities exploding everywhere on a stage . . . that's the basic challenge laid to me . . . how to be crazy enough to add that special 'spice' to a play, but not so crazy as to distract from it. the elton john show in vegas is guilty of this. the rear projection videos that accompany elton have a tendency to take the attention away from his wonderful music.

i've spent a majority of work time last week helping formulate my company's policy towards blogging and podcasting. i was warning that doing a daily blog can be a damned daily grind and that the main denizens of the blogosphere are yahoos like myself and you good people, who use it as a more personalized 'bulletin board' of sorts. we are pursuing the podcast angle though, setting up a series of audio interviews in early may, another example of potentially biting off more than i can chew.

now that i've bored everyone endlessly with my stupid thoughts, i can now sleep in peace.

two quick thoughts

2006-01-11T10:54:00.000-08:00

hey, i know. i know what y'all saying. right now. "hey, whassup with kilatzin writing another post? why doesn't wait for one month like he usually does?"

well, cuz i have two issues running through my noggin that i absolutely have to get out.

1) Pitt and Jolie are prego. GOOD. anyone (and that's mainly you yenta-women-out-there-who-watch-the-view) who couldn't fathom why pitt would leave anniston . . . THAT'S WHY. you-who-love-anniston always convieniently forget that SHE didn't want to have children. HE did. Not only did he find someone to bear his seed, he found AN UBERBABE to provide the fertile soil for him to toil!!! and (you yenta-women-out-there-who-watch-the-view are gonna hate this) the odds are that a PITT-JOLIE baby will look at least TWICE AS HOT as a PITT-ANNISTON product. The only people in the world who could top PITT and JOLIE as gene donors would be Superman and Wonder Woman. YES I KNOW THEY'RE FICTIONAL CHARACTERS!!! THAT'S THE POINT YOU STAR-JONES-SYCOPHANT LOSERS!!!!!!

Let me make a modest little proposal. Why not just end both their movie careers right now and just put them out to stud? Sire a whole new generation of acting racehorses. I believe that both their best races/movies are already behind them. Is there really going to be a better movie than "fight club?" do we really need another "tomb raider" sequel? not to belabor the racehorse analogy, but let's ship them off to some nice secluded farm or resort out there; somewhere where the hectic demands of a career as a movie celebrity is far behind them. let clooney and robert make all the movies of substance. they've still got a couple of good flicks in them. i mean what's more important: another crappy flick that no one will give a damn about, or getting in on the ground floor of developing a new master race?

2)This Stern on satellite radio thing SUCKS!!!!! If I had a guarantee that the hard earned money i plunk down on a radio and a subscription would actually work, then i would divest it in a heartbeat. but all evidence points to the fact that the stupid satellite signal can not penetrate my stupid office building. and my stupid work internet connection BLOCKS streaming Sirius content. STUPID STUPID STUPID. I had satellite tv once and i always lost the signal whenever a strong rainstorm hit my area. give me the access and i'll give you my money. now i gotta listen to adam corolla, who on his best day, is just another radio guy. a funny one, but maybe a head above the rest of the pack on a GOOD day.

ugh.

Year 2005 End Wrap Up

2006-01-10T21:25:00.000-08:00

I'm currently taking a ten minute break from endless lead entering for a particularly successful online promotion. Now is the perfect time for a random blog entry.

Seems a great majority of the current blog conversation revolves around ameditation concerning the pros & cons, the flows & ebbs of the previous year. Since I've always considered myself crafty enough to surf a wave coming my way, and not drown in it, I'll bite and drop in my own personal assessment.

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Okay, just got back from dealing with a minor work emergency. Now seems to be the perfect time for a random blog entry.

Okay. Personal assessment time.

BIG CHANGES this year. No real surprise to any of the blog regulars, I suppose. The cliches that accompany the arrival of a new baby are true; that's why they're labeled "cliches." However, here's one VERY unexpected consequence . . . my art is much less "angry" now. There's less of the angst and disturbance that marked my earlier output. I wouldn't call it necessarily more peaceful. There's definitely still a semblance of the dark and ambivalent undercurrent that permeates my work. I wouldn't even say that my general anger towards everything has lessened. But the quality that some would label as "disturbing" or "confrontational" has definitely toned down.

Part of it certainly stems from the fact that a baby drains most of the anger out of you. It takes an incredible amount of energy to sustain a strong "mad-on" towards a particular target. It's much harder to drum up that energy when you consider a 5 hour block of uninterrupted sleep a "luxury." Even if I'm not particularly sleepy, my brainpower is definitely at a low ebb these days. The most I can handle these days is an episode of "Survivor" or a quick play of "NBA 2K5" on my Xbox. (As a sidenote, I told a coworker about my current schedule and he remarked to me, 'if what you're saying is true . . . that means you spend at least 18- 20 hours a day awake.')

Another part seems to be the fact that I'm a greedy whore who is looking to start selling some work to pay for my comic book and Howard Stern obsessions. Nothing stung me as much last year as my inability to go to the San Diego Comicon. A close second of disappointment would have to be NOT getting a SIRIUS satellite radio for Stern. I can listen in my car, but would have trouble accessing the satellite signal from work. Still, I'm amazed by how quickly I will sell out my artistic sensibility to buy something like the hardcover "JLA/Avengers" compendium.

A third thing is that if I must be honest with myself, then I do feel a need to be "shown" more. Fact of the matter is that most people consider the art of painting as a form of interior decorating. Only a few would really have my paint splattered battles of the id, ego and superego covering their walls. That doesn't mean I'll paint cute little puppies frolicking in the flowers, but for a hefty amount of change, I'll definitely consider it. Especially now that the Xbox 360 is out. If I have to produce work that is less "me" than usual, so be it. This year is just beginning, but I'm closing a sale on one painting, verbally agreed to a second commission and should be working as a set designer for a play to be performed in April. It's still a little early and these deals just very well may blow up in my face, but hey, there's nothing new about that.

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Where was I? Oh, yeah, I'm going to sleep!!!!

Bad thing about the new Superman movie

2005-11-22T11:57:00.000-08:00

We get stuff like this. Can we start critiquing? I'll shoot the opening round.

"Looks good, but somehow, it doesn't look quite GAY enough. Can we make it just a tad more GAY?"

Look at this guy.

2005-11-04T12:46:00.000-08:00

This little guy is the reason I'm listening to 10 minute long Slate podcasts while I'm washing bottles and mixing forumla. This guy is the reason I know the lyrics to "the wheels on the bus." This guy is the reason there are MAJOR bags under my eyes. This guy is the reason I don't listen to my Carlos Mencia or Dave Attell mp3s. This guy is the reason my play money, which would usually be spent on comics and man dolls, is now going to diapers, desitin and baby shampoo. This guy is the reason why I don't really mind green poo. This guy is the reason I am able to smile at the end of a long and hard work day, cuz how can I can be sad when he screams and jumps with excitement when I walk through the door.

Being this guy's dad definitely does not suck balls.

all right, already

2005-11-01T20:46:00.000-08:00

damn, eight comments on a post that just said, "i'm getting set up?"

first thing first. linesteppa - No, Superman isn't the greatest movie of all time. Godfather I and 2 are. That's why I listed them first. The Godfather saga can be on at any point on the tv, and I'll leave it there EVERY DAMN TIME. They are that damn good.

As much as I love Superman, some parts sometimes defy my willingness to suspend disbelief. Like TOTU's comment about making the earth go backwards. You gotta be in a certain mood for that. Also, Margot Kidder's performance as Lois Lane can be a little grating if I'm not in the mood.

Lois Lane is a tricky character to portray; she's gotta be quirky and ballsy enough to make us believe Superman would fall for her, yet not too much as to wind up being totally annoying. Watch Smallville and the actor that plays Lois. She's sometimes real good as Lois, sometimes real BAD as Lois . . . but I really think it's cuz of the character, not cuz of her portrayal. Teri Hatcher is hot enough to make you look past all the annoying Lois Lane personality quirks. Maybe there's the dilemma, you gotta have a REAL HOT actress to make you look past all those quirks, yet the REAL HOT actresses don't necessarily have the chops to play quirky. So you end up with these NOT AS HOT actresses who have the quirky stuff all down, but they're so damn annoying that instead of forgiving them cuz they're beautiful, we just want to wring their necks.

wow. all that from linesteppa.

My life these days are weighed by dueling priorities. Writing in this blog, which I love to do, means I have less time to wash the baby's bottles, which leads to less time playing Xbox, which leads to less time soaking my feet in Epsom salt, which leads to less time working on a painting for my neighbors. Of course, I wanted to get into more detail over this, but i blew my time allotment on Superman. AGAIN. Oh this addiction of mine will kill me in the end.